I'm back from the first day of school! I expected insults to be hurled at me, or people taking me for a joke, but no... what had happened was worse, I suppose. It seemed like... everyone left me alone. I don't know why but I just felt super super super lonely.
It was at these lonely periods of time that I thought of God and my promise to Him - that I will let go of everything. And so I tried to cheer myself up, and I told myself that what's most important is that I have God, and that made me feel better.
And yes I find that I prefer to keep quiet and keep to myself most of the time. I don't mind being alone anymore. But sad to say, throughout today, I don't remember anyone saying a word of concern to me. No one asked me what was wrong. No one noticed the change in me. But it's okay. I'm sure God sees everything. And I'm sure that God will guide me through this valley...
These lyrics suddenly came into my mind...
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Yesterday, my first "spiritual buddy" asked me again whether we should start a prayer group again. And I thought it would be a very good chance to clarify things. And he finally asked me whether he would have another go at being my spiritual buddy again. So I told him to give me some time to think through...
But right now, right at this moment, I'm very clear of my answer, and I know that the loneliness and the lack of concern during my first day at school is a clear sign from God that this is not the person who should be my spiritual buddy. Most likely, I'm just gonna fail a third time again.
At least with God in me, this day has been made much more endurable and much less painful. Sigh... hoping for a better tomorrow...
3 comments:
Hey bro, hmm sometimes it takes two hands to clap. If people ain't friendly to you, would you be friendly to them? Building and maintaining relationships require efforts from both parties. If your friends didn't take the initiative to come talk to you, you may consider taking the initiative? Things may not be as negative as u think it is, if you give the relationship a chance to be bonded? Hmm, just some thoughts and suggestions from me. Hope your day would be better! =)
Cheeeeeers! =)
Also, if we tend to focus too much on ourselves and on our needs, we may make ourselves feel worse. For example, focusing on why nobody talk to me, why nobody see the change in me.. How about changing the focus to noticing other people's changes, talking to other people to find out how they spent their holiday etc? Things may turn out to be better? =D
Hmm... I did try talking sometimes but I still felt... ignored... Haiz hopefully the remaining days won't be as bad as I think it would be lor. I'm sure God will help me through this! :)
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