The Past and the Present

I'm still me. But I'm a different me. And the "me" that I am is different from the "me" that I was. Unfortunately.

I remember last time I couldn't stand being alone. Perhaps I was more outgoing and extroverted? But now I really wouldn't mind being alone. Of course I would prefer to have earphones and a book with me. But I really wouldn't mind being alone.

I used to like big groups and being the centre of attraction, but now, if I'm left in the corner, left alone, I wouldn't mind... because I'm used to it. Sometimes I actually prefer to be alone. I think this change is due to the things that are happening around me, the people who take me for granted, my two "spiritual buddies" who push me off the cliff... especially my second "spiritual buddy"... when I needed someone to pull me up, I was pushed off... by being labelled a monster... when I am tolerating the insults around me... all the suannings directed at me... and everything... Oh how sick and tired I am!

I am prepared for the upcoming term. I don't think it will be a very smooth term ahead. It seems so bumpy and full of ups and downs... In fact, more downs than ups. But all I ask right now, is that I continue to hold on to God, for it is He who is still willing to pull me up although everyone is pushing me off...

As time passes, I think I'm beginning to understand myself more. I find that I'm a person who appears strong on the outside, but actually, deep inside, I'm sooooooo weak... so fragile... so fragile that even a comment can break me down...

And like I said, I am a person who needs encouragement... On Thursday, during my piano lesson, I was practising my Hanon so hard... hoping that I would be able to pass all my three exercises... but I failed the most simple one and had to redo. I was so disappointed and the word "failure" immediately came into my mind. I'm so uber fail lor... anything also cannot do well... But after reading a section of the book titled "How to Ruin Your Life by 40", I'm glad that I'm a failure, for the people who are used by God are failures at a point in their life.

Back to the changes in me. In the past, when I'm alone with another person and there is silence, of course I would be trying very hard to talk and break the silence. But now, if there's silence, I don't think I will be trying very hard to break it. Silence is good. Gives me time to reflect, to think, to ponder, to emo...

I think it all comes down to the comfort level. Right now, I think when I am amongst most groups of people, I won't be very comfortable. I think the only group of people whom I am comfortable with right now are the people from my cell group. This upcoming term, I really wouldn't mind just sitting at my corner of the class, and just be trapped in my own world... At this moment, I think I would only let God into this own world of mine and... maybe a few more closer people. But not my friends. Well, I don't even know who my friends are...

I don't give my trust easily right now. Sometimes, when I'm having an sms-conversation with a person and thinking to myself, maybe he's someone I can trust... I would end up being reminded of how trustworthy my first and second prayer buddies appeared... and ended up hurting myself because I was so gullible... so stupid...

Yes I'm just retarded and emo. That's just me. If I'm not emo-ing, I'm most likely crapping up lame jokes and when no one appreciates them, I'll revert back to my other mode. That's the "me" right now.

I don't know how many people will put their arms around my shoulder and show their concern for me in the upcoming term. Perhaps no one. Perhaps what I receive are insults instead. Don't worry. My shell is there. I can always hide inside and emo... and emo... and emo...

Sigh... in 36 hours I would be waking up, preparing to go to school... The reason why I choose to keep this blog really really private is because... I know there'll be people mocking me and laughing at me when they read these posts...

But that's me. Sigh... Can't wait for year-end holidays, when I have 3 months of quietness, 3 months of break...