The Background

Suddenly I feel so lost again...

Today during recess, when I sat with my classmates at the canteen, I didn't talk. I silently ate my food, and then returned my bowl and ran back to class.

I just feel so... unnoticed. Like I'm already doing my best to pick myself up. But how come no one in my class even sensed that something was wrong? There are a lot of things that I want to say in the face of people in my class, but I just keep quiet. If everyone in my class is liddat... then so be it.

I gave my first "spiritual buddy" my blog address because... we sorta patched things up. But what I need is not virtual concern. Like he can be very concerned about me on MSN? But I need encouragement. I want someone whom I can just sit down with. Someone who is willing to give me their attention and give me a chance to pour out all my inner feelings.

And what I need is affirmation and encouragement. Not someone to tell me "Is this what you should be doing?" and then tell me what I should do. I know that whenever I'm putting on an emo look, I'm not being a good testimony for God. But right now, I really don't want people to be telling me that I should be a good testimony for Him and rejoice always. Think so easy ah. Easily said, but not easy to be done. Maybe to these people it's very easy... but everyone has different personalities. I really cannot take another blow. Another major setback.

I'm afraid there might be a day... when I do not need to talk to anyone in school.

All I ask for is a listening ear. I don't think I have been too demanding of my past two "spiritual buddies". If you're someone's spiritual buddy, it means that this is a commitment and that you should spend time with that person. Not avoid him. Not to push him down when he has just barely picked himself up.

And my second "spiritual buddy" just had to push me down. Everytime I see him, it's like... all the memories just appear again... all the empty promises... not that he didn't apologize, but I felt betrayed. And the feeling of being betrayed by someone who knows you inside out is... really horrible. It feels like you're standing naked in the middle of Orchard Road.

I still haven't found a spiritual buddy. I don't wanna take the initiative and pop the question anymore. I don't know whether it's because I've become afraid to completely trust people, or is it whether I'm just the background.

No one takes notice of me. No one knows I'm around. Perhaps it's time I try absenting myself from school one day and see if anyone calls me. Nah just kidding.

Sigh tomorrow there's A Math assignment 4. And there's orchestra. And Friday is hike recee. And I haven't prepared anything for it. And tomorrow is due date for my IHS research paper.

And wow. I'm really a failure. During my POD presentation last Wednesday, I saw the teacher of the other half of the class nodding off during my presentation. What an encouragement. I must be a really boring person. And all the comments that I got from my teacher were rather negative. Like you should have done this you should have done that... as if it's so easy when you're the first one to be presenting...

Recently we were asked to take up planning positions in the BB Company Camp at the end of the year. Most of my BB cohort mates got their positions. I volunteered to be in Worship Band. But I haven't got a reply. Looks like I'm not needed anymore. I'm not needed in church, and neither am I in BB.

Oh I really feel like taking a break. If it were an option, I would definitely choose to fly to another place... away from all these... I'm not running away. I just need to give myself a break because I can't handle all these emotional stress...