Complicated

Sigh I feel my life is still just as complicated. I'm just trying to look at things from a more positive point of view. I don't know when I've become like this. I know my Orchestra teacher has already been very generous to give me Saturday off (though I still went for BB. but that's my fault) and I tried to ask for tomorrow off as well. I gave the reason that I had to prepare for prelims but actually I just didn't want to see the conductor. Because I don't know how his response to me will me. And most likely I'm gonna be section leader again cos my desk partner has math remedial. So gotta prepare myself for a suanning session tomorrow lor. :(

These fews days I know I'm feeling better. While I may seem like I'm smiling, actually half the time I'm smiling because I don't wanna expose my inner feelings. Sometimes a very simple thing can upset me. Like while speaking to someone and that person suddenly daos me. That kind of thing ruins my feelings as well.

I don't know how tomorrow will turn out. I'm quite worried for Thursday's paper as well because I know I'm probably not gonna do well for Paper 1. So I just have to hope for the best. That I understand all the words and phrases and the passages for the cloze passage and comprehension.

I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. Today my Sec 2 friend asked me whether I wanna join my school's fellowship. I couldn't give an answer. I'm not ready yet. The changes around me and within me are so great. I'm still trying to adapt to everything. I'm really not ready to accept a new group of people because I don't know if they'll end up... you know what. I don't have to finish my sentence.

Sigh sometimes, seeing how my first "spiritual buddy" can get along so well and spend so much time with another classmate, I'm thinking why he didn't do the same when we were spiritual buddies. Sometimes when this thought comes into my mind it's like... my feelings suddenly go on a downhill ride. But I'll put on a smile to try to hide this emotion. Perhaps it's these smiles that help me feel better.

Still deciding which song to choose for my song sharing 2 weeks later during cell. Dunno if I should choose "Through It All" or "I Will Lift My Eyes". Both are songs that have encouraged me a lot during my downfall. I dunno which one to pick. Haha.

Starting to feel tired and occasionally beginning to fall asleep in class already. Feel myself being tired maybe because I'm trying so hard to adapt and change. I feel that I'm... more quiet and less outgoing. And I'm much more sensitive to insults and comments directed at me.

Sigh the path ahead seems so complicated. It's like there are many paths for me to choose. All of them are equally challenging. I feel that I can't go through this alone. Though I have God with me, but I really hope that I can have someone to always encourage me. To go through all these stages with me...