Failure

Today... my day was spoiled...

I screwed up my Advanced Math assignment 3 very very very very badly. It's a grade assignment and part of its marks go into my coursework marks. Anyway my teacher gave me the question paper that was not compatible with my GDC, and I spent quite a bit of time looking through and trying to figure out what's going on. And my GDC uber fail. Super lag... make me waste so much time and in the end I got the function wrong. Haiz. I left the entire last page blank.

After that I went to see my teacher and my teacher said if I'm okay with it I can always look for him to do a retest. But then... I discussed with my friends already. Some more even if I was given the correct paper, my GDC would have failed anyway... so still I wouldn't be able to answer the questions in the last page. Haiz. Why liddat one. So I just told my teacher forget it. I won't do the retest. If I do badly for this one, so be it. I mean, I'd rather emo for one day that I didn't do well, rather than I retest and ace the assignment, but deep inside I know that I haven't been honest to myself and to God.

After PC talk today. I saw my second "spiritual buddy". He pretended not to see me. And just walked past me. Like total strangers. My mood was just beginning to get slightly better from A Math until I saw him... and then dunno why a lot of stuff was triggered. Sometimes I see myself as a reflection, especially in the Chinese drama I'm watching now... and I begin to think... how come no one treasures me... no one cherishes me... it's like... I'm just part of the background. No one really takes notice of me.

I have this feeling that I can't do things well... I'm easily affected my the things happening around me. I've become really sensitive to all these. To all the people reading this, no offence but... it feels like... I'm not needed as a church pianist anymore. Ever since all the pianists are back. I'm not needed. Everyone tells me that the struggles that I'm facing is part and parcel of growing up... but that doesn't mean that I should always be the outcast!!!

I'm not saying this out of jealousy or anything. I don't feel jealous at all. A few weeks back, in church choir, I asked the question of whether I'll be sacked if I don't play well, simply because I feel extremely inferior. There was a piece, when the pianist was not confirmed and it was asked who was supposed to play this piece. I did practise that piece. And I wanted to play. But I didn't make any sound. I didn't raise my hand. Because I know that compared to all the other pianists, I'm not up to it. When people keep on saying... feel the music, play with emotion and colour... somehow I just find it very hard to grasp these things.

I wish I could have my very own music studio. Like there's no one except me in the room. And it's soundproof so no one else hears me. And I can sing... play the piano... without having to feel inferior.

Sometimes people ask me, "Hey Alex how come you're so good at piano". Then I'll be thinking, really meh. So what if I've perfect pitch. I don't find it helpful in piano and singing...

Why do I fail at so many things... even things such as spiritual buddies... haiz... I wish there's someone to comfort me when I'm shedding tears. Why am I always silently shedding my tears...

I'm a person who appears to be strong on the outside. Trying to put on a smile so that no one knows what I'm thinking. But deep inside I'm really weak and fragile...