This is another song that has really encouraged me during my times of downfall...
I am still feeling insecure, feeling lonely, left out, ignored and unwanted. But I am thankful that God never ignores me. God still wants me. And God will always be my refuge... who knows me inside out... who accepts me for who I am...
I am still praying for a spiritual buddy. Though right now I have decided I would not take the initiative to pop the question but rather let someone else do it. I don't want to always take the initiative. Perhaps it is what I have been through that makes me lose my confidence in being outgoing.
And I am transparent. I just felt my transparency today. After school, I was sitting at my desk doing my homework. I sit at the back corner of the class close to the wall. And there were a group of classmates throwing a basketball at the wall, many times I almost got hit by the ball. And I was sitting at my desk. They didn't notice that the ball might hit me. They couldn't be bothered about me.
What if the ball hit me? A 'sorry' would be too late because the hurt is done. The damage is done. A 'sorry' from my previous spiritual buddies might be too late because the hurt is done. Though I have patched things up with my first "spiritual buddy" and forgiven him, that does not take away the hurt that he has done. When a nail is hammered into a piece of wood and then later the nail is being pulled out of the wood, the nail may be gone, but it leaves a scar behind. And I am that piece of wood, continuously getting scarred by these nails...
I think I'm gonna cancel my invitations to the people whom I've sent out my blog invitation too but haven't accepted. I've been waiting for so long. If I'm not worth your time why should I continue waiting. And hoping. Only to know that these hopes are disappointments in disguise.
Sigh... There is really no point in putting on a smile when I'm actually crying deep inside...
I believe God, the almighty Healer, will heal me of my hurt...
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