Lost

Wow this week... weekend is just as crazy. BB ROD on Saturday. Playing for Live Praise and ROD special... and tomorrow I'm playing for cell group Praise and Worship as well. Wow so many things to do!!!

Saturday got orchestra auditions for Dvorak... super difficult piece. I just finished practising haha... gotta prepare myself for the auditions. I know I won't play well but... oh well if I pass the auditions I will diligently practise because I don't wanna paiseh on the actual day haha...

I'm still adapting to my new perspective of things and the way things are going around me. This term very crazy leh. Coursework after coursework. Assignments after assignments. They never stop coming. Haiz...

I've become less emo these days. Trying my best to smile for God. But there are times when I feel emo as well. And I realised that there is no point feigning a smile when I'm actually emo. If I'm emo, I'll just show it ba. No point making myself feel bad deep inside. There are many times when I'm trying my best to put on a brave front my smiling when my heart's crying deep inside... at the people who never take our friendships seriously...

To me, it seems like... those who used to be around me a lot are not true to me at all. They treat me as a friend when they need me but when it's my turn to approach them... I seem like a nuisance to them. Why is life liddat! Sometimes I feel very... mistreated leh :(

Still praying for a spiritual buddy... sometimes I think why God hasn't fulfilled my desires. I'm sure He desires for me to have a spiritual buddy as well. But where is this person?! These few days I keep on seeing my second "spiritual buddy" around... we seem like enemies. It's like... I feel his glare all the time... staring at me as if full of hatred at me... and when I think of it this way, I feel so... lousy...

I want to have someone who understands me... whom I can freely share all my experiences... someone to laugh with me and cry with me... Sometimes I get this feeling like... perhaps God wants him to be my spiritual buddy... but all of a sudden I feel a sense of coldness coming from him...

I feel so lost at times...