My Life Is a Mess

I have had enough of my life. I don't know why all of a sudden I don't find any purpose in this world now. After reading the book "How to Ruin Your Life by 40", I know I shouldn't be thinking this way and feeling this way, but now... I feel so useless. I really do nothing well.

Today, in Orchestra, I was humiliated in front of everyone. So much so that the next rehearsal (that is if I am going to be around to attend one), I will be crawling in with my cello because I have lost ALL my pride.

I was forced to be temporary section leader today. Because there was no one else around to be one. They all push the responsibility to me. Not like I want to do it. And today, I was humiliated, like I wanted to be a section leader so much, but I fail at it. Uber fail. Yay! That's 1 more thing added to my fail list! Woohoo!

All my pride was gone today. The conductor scolded me as if I had no feelings. He threw his temper at me. I tried my best to play well. But I had my limits. And I have no time to practise cello because I place my piano before my cello. I have piano exam this year. But today I still tried my best! Not like I totally couldn't play...

The viola section made mistakes as well, but the conductor just smiled at them and joked with them. But when I made mistakes... he had to throw his temper, throw his book, rip his book, scold anything he can think of... so much so that right now I even look down on myself. I'm useless. That's a fact. I can't think of so much right now.

Every time I pray to God that I walk out of every failure, I fall deeper instead. Why? Why? WHY?!!!

I really felt like throwing my cello on the floor and just storming out of the music centre. That place is hell. I don't like hell. I don't want to go back there. Do you know how I was feeling just now? I was holding back all my tears, fighting back tears... swallowing down my tears...

The conductor even compared me to a Sec 2. Said that he could lead the section better than me. And I'm Sec 4. See how fail I am? After learning cello for 3 years, I can't even lead a section. I'm a total failure.

Let's recap what I fail at today:

I fail at...

Leading people

Doing my job

Bringing people joy

Cello

So what if I have perfect pitch? My life is still screwed up! I made the wrong decision to continue cello in Sec 1 when I was given the choice. I made the wrong choice not to change piano teacher when my parents asked when I was Grade 5. And now I'm living with the consequences. That I suck at piano. I suck at everything. Right now, I can't think of anything I'm good at. Wait a minute. I think I know what I'm good at. I'm good at failing.

See, I'm so good at failing that I score full marks for it. That everyone laughed at me when the conductor made super sarcastic remarks at me. No one thought of how I would feel. Even no one bothers to read my blog and post comments at my blog now. I'm worse than a piece of shit.

I tried to hide all my emotions when I got home. I put on a really fake smile. When deep down inside my heart was bleeding. My mother even asked me why I was so happy. I couldn't take it anymore. I took my clothes and quickly entered the bathroom. So there was a place for me to let everything out...

I don't know why I'm doing something which I don't like. I realised that I no longer enjoy playing the cello.

I'm useless. Full stop.