Putting Everything Behind

I decided it's time for me to put a lot of things behind.

After 4 weeks of school, I decided that I want a new start. I have been going downhill all the while, like the first half of the cosine curve, but I think I'm beginning to start on the second half of the cosine curve - that is, going up.

I trust God that this new journey of going up will be a new and exciting experience for me. But of course I'm not the same me la. Like after what happened today, I decided I won't sing in class anymore. Unless there are like only a few people around whom I know wouldn't mind. My desk partner seemed quite irritated when I sang today... like I'm making a lot of noise liddat. Haiz. The rest of the class also very noisy what. I can't believe my singing is classified as noise as well. Oh well. I'll confine my singing to the bathroom then. Hahaha.

I know that starting this cosine curve would not be easy. Like the saying goes, time will heal all wounds, and God as well. Right now I have learnt to put my not-so-pleasant experience with my first spiritual buddy behind. Like we're still friends and everything. I think it's because we've come to a common understanding. Perhaps the space that we each had during the first 2 weeks of school was for us to reflect a bit ba... at least I did reflect haha. Thinking of it... maybe I was too demanding last time? I'm not a perfect person, and I'm still working hard.

What still upsets me right now (causing most of my emoness sometimes) is actually... the triggered experiences with my second "spiritual buddy". I find it super hard to put it back down. Everytime I think that someone might be a possible spiritual buddy... I think of this experience... of how he was so caring and nice to me in the beginning and then suddenly a stab in the back after my mid-year exams. Last time I thought there was no one who cared for me so much. Though I felt uncomfortable at times when he almost went beyond the healthy boundaries but... at that point in time I was feeling really down. I had my doubts about him, but I thought I'd just leave everything to God and assume he's just being super caring.

Then suddenly he tells me all those stuff about me being an unapproachable person and being scared to offend me... scared of me... At that point in time I was already shouldering a lot of insulting remarks from the people around me. I felt really unfair. And I felt that... this spiritual buddy thingy just... went stagnant from that point on. I began to erect a wall around myself. Not wanting to get hurt. And ever since then, I became a super emo person...

Recently I got a bit of liveliness back. I'm actually quite happy that during BB CE sharing today, people said I don't look emo. That's a good sign actually. But I still fail at stuff. Like today during BB CE sharing, when everyone had to do a small sharing about their lives so far, I just went BLANK. Like I didn't know what to say. All these unhappy memories were triggered but I knew I couldn't say it out because that person is a BB officer. I was afraid because I wouldn't wanna know how they would react to my comments. So I just brought it all over by saying "a lot of unhappy things happened these few months." After that I totally screwed up my sharing. I felt that my sharing delayed a lot of time. I was just saying random sentences. Most were irrelevant. Sigh I fail at sharing sessions also. Typical me. Expert at failing.

I still do see my second "spiritual buddy" around. Like he's always standing in obvious places during morning assembly and when he walks into the BB room when I am around. When I hear my cohort mates calling him "such a nice guy" it just feels really weird. Like I'll just respond to these remarks by smiling. And in occasional times when he suddenly talks to me on MSN I feel like omg omg omg why can't he just leave me alone and let me continue with my life...

Sometimes I feel really bad for this incident as well because he shared with me before that he met a lot of situations when he offered his friendship when others were feeling down. And when these people found a new group of friends, they stopped communicating with him. I'm wondering whether I'm liddat also. Like now I'm closer to my cell people then... haiz... that time when I go out for lunch and then study with my cell members... he asked me why everytime he ask me out for lunch or dinner I say cannot then now I go out with my cell members... where's my space!!!

There are times when I face this experience with a feeling of regret, and other times a lousy feeling. Like why did I choose to trust him so much when we crossed paths for not long. I thought that maybe it was because he's a teacher? BB officer? I really don't know what made me trust him in the first place. I confided in him pertaining to a lot of my problems and now I just feel so... naked. Like I've nothing much kept to myself already.

Haiz today's post so long... very paiseh leh... those who bothered to read till the end... thanks so much :)