Trying My Best

I'm trying my best to be happy... because I know that I have to rejoice in Him. If I don't, then my life would not be any different from a non-Christian, then how am I going to be a good testimony for God?

Today, I searched for the post on Facebook again. The one about the flag lowering thingy... and I read all the comments. Felt quite upset after reading my OIC's comments about "speaking to them". I'm trying to take all these from a positive point of view, and I am trying my best to adapt to all the changes within me and around me.

I find that I'm getting very sensitive to criticism. It's like... last time, if someone criticizes me, I would just try to improve. But now, it feels like... every single criticism means that I fail at doing something well. Then I'm reminded of the parable of the talents, and keep on wondering whether I'm trying my best to be the one with the five talents, but instead of gaining back another five talents, I lose the original five that I have. It's this... feeling... and sometimes I can't help it...

Today in school was... not bad. Quite sleepy and tired, because last night I didn't sleep well. But overall, I seemed emo... but I wasn't emo okay! I was just tired and felt tired. So maybe that's why I seemed emo. But today I was quite happy. Like really happy. Maybe because my first "spiritual buddy" was absent from school? Haha the way I put it is like... I very sadist leh. But it's just that I don't see him, so I'm not reminded of any unhappy experience, and I tell myself there's no reason for me not to be happy.

Sigh then afternoon I went home and then thought there'll be piano lesson. But piano lesson cancelled. Then I saw the post on Facebook from my second "spiritual buddy". Actually, I didn't happen to see the post. I went to search for the post. I don't know why. Maybe just curious about the comments lor. But didn't know they'll affect me so badly. Seems like I've become quite sensitive leh.

Hmmm... I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. I really don't know who this person will me. But everytime I get the feeling that Person X might me a possible "target", I'm reminded of my previous two incidents, then I start to erect a wall around myself. Maybe I'm just too afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to approach someone. I want someone to approach me. Someone who can melt my wall and enter my world.

I keep on saying that I don't care how others look at me. But now I'm starting to think that I'm just trying to convince myself that image is not important. But deep down inside I still know that I actually care. I'm just trying to make myself feel better all the time. Sigh.

Tomorrow dunno whether my first "spiritual buddy" will go to school or not. Don't know how my mood will be when I see him. I don't want to get hurt, but at the same time, I don't want to have a heart of steel...

Just read my cell mate's blog, and I'm really happy that she's found a spiritual buddy. I'm happy because there's one less person like me. I find that I'm a rather negative example because I'm like... so gloomy. Last time some people used to call me sunshine because I bring joy to others, but now it feels like this shine is gone liao. I feel that I no longer bring joy to others.

I'm trying my best to change myself. I know that if God places a spiritual buddy in my life, I would definitely feel better because I can really be open about everything I've been through. And I can cry in front of him, knowing that he will not laugh at me when he sees my tears...