Am I Still Important

I suddenly feel as if... I can't go up the cosine curve. I might be still going down on an inverse tangent graph... falling to negative infinity.

Just came back from a really tiring day of Orchestra. Thankful that today wasn't too bad. But I find that it's during times when it's all quiet around me that I begin to remember those unhappy stuff.

And it seems to me that I'm not needed in church anymore. Or even in church choir. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive, but that's how I feel.

No offence to anyone reading my blog... and I hope that the comment that I'm going to make won't cause major changes or anything.

On Sunday, when church choir conductor announced the people singing SATB for the Christmas song... and I'm the only one with a music background who hasn't been chosen. Of course, I don't wish that just because of this comment, changes have to be made to the namelist. I'm just stating how I feel. I've tried to console myself many times that I could be the pianist for that song, but then I thought again... if there really was a pianist for the song, then... conductor would have announced also.

Haiz. I feel like I'm just a person on standby. When the church needs me, then they fill me in as Sunday service pianist. But when all the pianists are back, it's like... they don't need me and just kick me to one side. And the church choir can do without me. I feel that I'm a failure pianist during choir practice. Conductor has so many comments to make about me compared to the other pianists... since I'm a useless pianist, and I'm not good at vocals... what's the point of having a music background? In Orchestra I'm merely an average player, if not worse than average. Haiz...

To thing I used to be the person signalling to the people on my left or right that they're singing too flat or too sharp in church choir. Now I'm just getting my desserts.

I feel really useless at times. Like I'm just there. Now the church doesn't need me anymore. And I'm beginning to feel that some people in the cell group talk to me as if I'm a child. Like they'll speak to me super politely as if they're afraid to offend me. As if there's such a big age gap.

I just feel that my life is now... super messed up. I really don't know what to do with it. It's like... in the daytime I try to put on a smile and hide my sorrows... and when no one is around at home... I'll just break down.

It just feels like... no one understands me...