This title sounds like a theme that consistently appears in the proses for Lang Arts. Lol.
I'm still very confused. I feel that the way I am letting each moment pass has no purpose in it. Okay apart from the spiritual purpose of my life... I find that it's just very meaningless. I still find it hard to trust people like I did before. Perhaps it was because I was too trusting... that I was taken for granted... and it happened twice.
Right now, I really don't know who is being true to me. Like who is a true friend. And who is not. I know there are many many people around me who only come to me when they need something from me. Other times it's like we're strangers. So putting it in a blunt and not-so-nice way, they're just making use of me... and when they ask favours from me of course it won't be nice to say no right...
Sometimes I get really really scared. Because someone who appears to be extremely trustworthy can suddenly turn his back on me. My second "spiritual buddy" was a teacher, a BB officer, and I trusted him because based on my mindset, teachers are trustworthy people. And some more BB officer. And so I mustered the courage to trust him.
And it turned out that... this trust was betrayed. This experience still haunts me from time to time. I tell myself I must let go. But everytime I walk past him before morning assembly and after morning assembly... and it feels like we're having a cold war... the emo feeling just comes back again.
Yes I've become a really sensitive person. Sensitive to remarks and criticism. And at times I do hate myself for who I am. Because I'm a failure in life.
It's not just in school. Even people in my cell group... I'm starting to think that some of them are not who they appear to be. I thought as siblings in Christ... all the more we should help each other. In the past, when my cell-mate always ask me to replace him as pianist because he cannot make it, I would say yes. And this Friday, I can't make it for cell because of BB Hike and I'm pianist, so I sms him to replace me. And up till now I have yet to receive a reply.
All I have to say is that I'm really disappointed. I'm tired of taking the initiative all the time. I'm tired of being a nice guy and in the end all I get is being labelled a "monster", receiving nothing when I ask for help.
I put in my effort and try to play well when I'm pianist in church. But most of the time what do I get? People who think they're more advanced in music coming to me and criticizing me about the way I play.
Do you know how it feels to be so nervous everytime I'm assigned to play because I'm afraid I won't play well? And when I think that I didn't screw up, what I get is criticisms. After all these setbacks time and again, I already feel so afraid to stand up in front of all my juniors this weekend during hike and giving instructions. I'm afraid I would just be a joke... giving instructions and no one follows. Talking to myself.
Previously I had thoughts of joining another church. And I thought perhaps this year if I put in more effort and attend all their gatherings, I would blend in better. But it doesn't turn out so. Perhaps this is what you get if you join a cell group whereby on average everyone is 10 years older. They are working, they have money to spend, they have time to go shopping... so everytime they start talking about all these stuff and clothes and fashion and shopping... I feel so left out.
There's no one to whom I can openly share about my feelings and experiences in school. Because of age gap. Many times, these thoughts just whirl around in my mind... and I have to put on a smile because I don't wish to break down in front of so many people. At most I'll just emo.
There's a saying that goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. I don't think I've more than 10 friends.
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