Emptiness

Yesterday, that feeling came back again... when I was in the school library, and after doing Math for a while, my friend found this book, and I just opened the book and started reading a random page... but the content of what I read just evoked a lot of emotions. And the emo feeling just came back all of a sudden. I know that at this point in time, I shouldn't be feeling this way. But I just suddenly feel as if... I lose my sense of security.

And now I'm really really at a loss. I may not be in the best physical state, but I'm in a rather bad mental state. Because I really don't have the concentration to really sit down and study. Every time I study I fight to stay awake. When did I become so lazy when it comes to studying? What has happened to me?

As I was sick last weekend, right now I'm really behind in my preparations for my exam. And tomorrow I'm church pianist. And I'm not too familiar with the Bible verses that I need to recite tomorrow. It just feels like... everything is just being thrown to me... all these responsibilities... when what I really need now is time. Time to set my emotions right again. Time to get my mental state right. And time to catch up on what I am lagging behind.

And now I'm stuck with my POD essay on "The Good Life". It is supposed to be a topic when I should have a lot to write about. But now my mind is blank. I can't craft out my points, much less find examples to substantiate these points. And I know I need to get it done today. Because if I don't, I would have to leave it till tomorrow, and I will definitely have not enough time to study. I plan to finish covering the entire Biology syllabus by tomorrow, and I still have so many chapters to studying. I just feel so lazy whenever I take out my Biology textbook, fighting to stay awake...

And now I'm feeling so empty. It just feels like... I'm missing something. And this emptiness sometimes leads to frustration... like I just wanna find something to vent out my frustration because I'm not getting anything done! I'm not making the most out of my time! And I can't focus on my studies and complete everything that I need to complete!!!

And earlier in the day I just received an email about sharing devotionals to the small group in church... and I have this feeling of... why must tell me only now... it just feels like... I've so much to do and yet I still cannot focus on what I need to get done...

And I still need to get my emotions right again. I know how to put everything behind, but what I do not know how to do is to face my emotions when they're evoked again. It makes me feel like I'm not smiling from the bottom of my heart. And deep inside I know I just want to find a quiet place, a place where I can do whatever I want do, and that I do not need to conform...