Afraid

I'm really thankful for this morning's sharing with my spiritual mentor. That haha finally someone from my cell group knows how I've been feeling all these while.

But after the time of sharing... I just feel so afraid. And so uncertain. And right at this moment I'm just feeling so insecure. The kind of feeling that tells me "oh Alex you've been hurt so many times don't get yourself hurt again" just comes back. But I know the decision I have to make is not to run away, but to face the challenges that lie ahead of me.

I'm trying to face each moment of my life with a smile. With a joyful heart. Though it all seems so difficult. And when I'm feeling so uncertain...

I thank God I've a spiritual mentor who is willing to help me voice out my opinions to my cell leader. I don't want the world to revolve around me. But at the same time, I want to be part of this "world". I don't want to feel out of place, that I'm just someone who is just... there. I want to feel that I'm part of the cell group...

And I've been trying very very hard. Especially this year. But somehow I just still don't understand the content of the conversations going on when people start to go into groups. It's like... people just have their own clicks. And I have none. I'll just be moving from group to group. And feeling that I don't belong to any of them.

I told my mentor that perhaps I should just... resign? Because the song that I'm playing for church choir is quite challenging to me... so perhaps someone should just take over. Since I'm not up to it. Haiz...

I'm really afraid. Every time during lunch, I'm really afraid that I've to end up eating my lunch alone. I'm really emotionally tired and worn out. Often times, I just feel like... I don't want to take the initiative anymore...

And even if I'm really emo in church, I don't show it... And on the way back home on the bus, I just feel really really horrible at times... it's like all my emotions that have been bottled up just suddenly... explodes.

Oh please God give me the courage to face the challenges that lie ahead of me...