Direction

Company camp has been a fulfilling time of 3 days and 2 nights... a good time of fellowship, a good time of fun. But I realise that my biggest takeaway is that I need to persevere in my relationship with God.

Of course, there are other learning points as well, that I know I need to stand up more and assume more leadership roles when around my juniors, that I should learn to take initiative in these aspects. And today's Y1 and Y4 outing is a good session for me, not just because it's a good time of bonding, but more so because of the fact that I need to feel responsible for my juniors. In other words, or rather, word, it's known as accountability.

Right now I just feel like there are a lot of questions within me. I know that what I need to do now is to just seek the Lord in all that I do. Previously, I know that I didn't really do much in that aspect, so right now I'm putting in more effort in that. But these questions are really bugging me. So I'm really praying that God will answer these questions deep within me, and that He will lead the way.

Last Friday, my small group leader said that it'll be really a joyous occasion if I can be baptised on Mothers' Day next year. And this question is really setting me thinking. I know very well which path I want to take, that is, I'm prepared to just live for Him alone. But baptism will mean that I'm a member of my church. Which means that if I make this decision to be baptised in the church that I am in now, I will have to live with this decision.

I have this strong impression that God has greater plans for me. And it seems that He's telling me that He wants me to move on, and this can mean that... I probably won't stay in this church. I'm still not sure. I'm praying about it, but currently I do not have an answer. And while I need to come to a decision in 5 months' time, I will still serve Him wholeheartedly.

I have been thinking and reflecting a lot throughout the camp. There are times in the camp when I just choose to eat my meals silently, spend my time alone and not engage in much social activity, actually because I'm thinking about all these stuff. And upon much reflection, it's just like I see things I've never thought of before.

I see that everyone in my church needs to come before God again, renew our covenant with Him and repent. When was the last time when we all knelt before Him and said that we, as a church, are truly sorry for our sins and are willing to carry out His great commission for the rest of our lives as believers and Christians? Every Sunday, we just come to church and listen to sermons. But where is our yearn for God? I feel that my church really needs fires of revival... for I believe that there are people who come to church on Sundays not because they want to seek Him, but they just come for the sake of coming.

Another thing I see is, to be honest, the arrogance of people, which is one ugly side of human nature. There are people to serve not because they really want to offer up the best for God, but because they just want to show others how good they are at something. I mean, of course, every person knows their attitude towards their acts of service the best, but in some cases, from the way these people talk to others and behave while they are carrying out these acts of service, it is rather obvious to me that they are not doing it wholeheartedly for God. Of course, in prayer, we all come before Him and say that we do it all for Him, but do we really mean what we pray? Remember that God does not like broken promises. He has never broken a single promise unto us! I know that it is human nature to sin, and that from time to time the sense of arrogance will just flood us, but when we pray that He forgives us for this sense of arrogance, are we willing to repent after that? There is no point praying to God, saying that "Dear Lord, forgive me for my arrogance and lack of humility," and after ending the prayer, we immediately falls back to our sinful ways again without working towards achieving a heart of humility.

If anyone feels offended by my post, my apologies. But then again, I feel that there is a need to get all these out of my chest. God does not really care of much whether the musical notes that the pianists play are accurate, grand and really really nice sounding, but whether the heart of those people serving are really that of humility before Him, and just doing it all for Him.

I know that is something I need to work towards.

From a personal point of view, being the youngest person in my cell group, I still do feel age gap. And one thing I dislike is that, for instance, after I play a hymn or a song for the church choir or congregation, there are other people immediately coming towards me telling me there is a better way to play or that the way I play is not that good. I mean, I'm open to suggestions. But why is it that when other pianists play, no one offers these suggestions? It's obvious that these people's impressions of me are different. In my perspective, they view me differently. Like I'm a noob compared to the rest. And that's what I do not like. As a church, and as siblings in Christ, we offer our suggestions openly, and be honest with one another, and treat each other fairly and equally.

The fact that I'm youngest, doesn't mean that when I do something, I deserve to be reprimanded when someone else does the same thing and everyone else just laughs it away. For instance, another pianist played a note a few times when the brothers sang not very in tune, and the conductress said that "yea brothers not very in tune". I tried to do the same when it was my turn to play, because brothers were really not very in tune. And what did I get? "YOU JUST NEED TO PLAY THE NOT ONCE. DON'T NEED TO POUND THE KEY SO MANY TIMES." See the difference now? That's what I feel. Prejudiced.

I begin to feel more out of place now. And these situations are what I've been reflecting about throughout my camp. And these are my impressions.

Another thing I have been reflecting about is that... how come there is still this sense of emptiness within me. That I. am. lonely. Sometimes I feel really alone. Like there is no one who truly understands me, and who is willing to be there for me when I need someone to be there. On a personal note, I find my current spiritual buddy more of a spiritual mentor. Like someone to be there to teach me Biblical knowledge and understandings on Sundays. And in this aspect of a spiritual buddy, I'm still feeling really really lonely.

And after pondering much throughout the camp, I find that all I am going to do is just to trust God. I made a promise to God. That no matter how uncertain or insecure I may feel, all I'm going to do is just to let Him guide. And that I'm just going to live for Him alone. God and I. He shall be my spiritual buddy. For He is always there for me.

He shares my laughters. He sees my tears. He knows how I'm feeling. And that's enough.

Thank You Lord.