Back

Finally back from Malacca after a 7-day trip :)

I won't really wanna say much about what happened during these 7 days... I'll just summarize them into one paragraph...

I bought new shirts, a new pair of slippers, new shorts... and finally waterproof earphones! Finally I have nice earphones for running so I won't feel so bored or easily tired :) And yea I did a lot of thinking.

And I realised that all these while...

I hope in people, only to receive disappointments...

I trust people, only to receive betrayals...

And throughout this year... is when two of my most important friendships, or rather, relationships, crashed. Although this year I've tried my best to be really tolerant. And to really put in effort in sustaining friendships.

But no matter how much I put in... some of them feels really really one-sided...

I really don't wanna be so one-sided up to the point when people find me irritating. But then again, sometimes if I don't take initiative, I'm just afraid that the friendship may just crumble.

And regarding last Saturday's incident... I've thought it through. I won't wanna take the initiative to approach my "friend". I don't exactly know the reason myself... but maybe because I'm tired? If he didn't trust me enough to give me the chance to explain myself, and if he doesn't have enough faith in this friendship that I would be such a hypocritical person, then forget it. There's no point salvaging this friendship.

Perhaps another reason is that... I don't have the courage to approach him... Because this side of me could be a side that he would have never imagined to exist? But then again as a friend... a close friend... I thought he would stand by me, and be able to put himself into my shoes to understand what I was going through at that point in time...

I have got most of my thinking straightened out. What my next hurdle will be... is meeting people. Tomorrow would be a challenge for me. Because there's Sunday service and I'm gonna meet people. People who have access to my blog. And I am beginning to question myself about the previous blog post... perhaps I shouldn't have written this post? I don't want to be bombarded with questions... questions that I'm still not prepared to answer.

I'm really afraid. Every time I'm reminded of what happened last Saturday, my mood just goes downhill...

And I'm really afraid that my friendships are going to crumble as well. I'm trying my best... putting in effort... but then again not everyone reciprocates the effort that I put in.

I'm really tired. Tired from the recent event. Tired from the entire year's disappointments and setbacks. I don't know how I'm going to stand up and be the Alex that I used to be. But I know that I have to stand up before school reopens. I still have 1 more month to stand up. And I really hope that it's not me trying so hard and struggling so hard to stand up. I hope it's gonna be someone who's willing to help me stand up.