Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. It was just so bad that... the journey back home on the bus for me was the most terrible bus rides that I ever had... The betrayal of 6 years of friendship... that judgmental stare... that sudden feeling of nakedness and exposure... it just feels like I was being robbed of one of the most important treasures of my life...
One of my closest friends. Known him for 6 years. Used to share some of my personal problems with him. And yesterday... that 6 years of rapport and friendship... came to an end. Not sure about his side. But I no longer trust him enough to consider him as a friend. And as I'm writing this blog post... I'm tearing. I'm just gonna let my emotions... flow freely. No point bottling it all up. I thought that an entire night of sleep would do me some good. But I'm waking up feeling worse than before...
It happened like this... I'll just briefly go through it... I actually made a wrong decision in Sec 1. And that became the turning point of my life. My spiritual life started going downwards. I wasn't serious about God. But when I became serious about Him, I tried my best to change my life... and at this point in time I would say that I managed to get myself back on the right track with God again. Before this incident happened... I was really thankful for all these. In fact I am still thankful for it right now. I'm thankful that God has accepted me again. I'm thankful for His forgiveness and patience in waiting for me to turn back...
But yesterday... when it was supposed to be a casual conversation with an officer and this "friend" was listening as well... I was just being "dug out" and... this wrong decision that I made... was made known. At least to the two of them. The officer didn't take it seriously and said that it's normal for people to make this wrong decision... but at least to me it's not normal... and the judgmental stare from him... eyes wide... mouth agape... and he walked away without giving me a chance to explain myself.
This wrong decision was one of the deepest secrets that I have buried deep inside of me. And I only shared it with my second "spiritual buddy". But now that we have ceased to share this special relationship... And now someone who seemed so close to me... knows about it. These two years I didn't share it with him because I knew he would respond this way. But now he knows about it... and... I just feel like I'm gonna tear apart. After he walked away yesterday with the surprised expression... all I can do is hope that he will keep it a secret for me. And regarding the point of whether he will actually keep it a secret... I dare not hope much given his personality.
Right at this point in time... I'm feeling so afraid. I no longer have the courage to meet up with my BB friends; although they were not present at the conversation, but they were present for the car flag-off yesterday. And this "friend" of mine... I really don't know whether he'll keep it a secret for me. And I'm actually beginning to feel thankful for this holiday. Thankful that I can stay away from the people that I know. That I can just stay away from all my friends.
And yesterday's entire experience just felt like it was a total nightmare for me. And right now I'm having such a poor mental state that I still cannot believe that what happened yesterday really happened.
I hope that during this eight days, I can clear up some of my emotions and straighten my thoughts... and get back a little bit of courage to meet up with people again. But right now I just want to be away. Because I need to be away.
If only he had given me a chance to explain myself. If only he had been enough of a friend... to stand beside me and encourage me when I needed encouragement the most.
Yesterday, all my courage... was destroyed...
Oh God... Please help me... I need You now...
0 comments:
Post a Comment