Song Sharing

This was the song I shared just now for song sharing. Hope that this song can inspire all of us to continue to have a burning passion for Him! :)

Long Day

Today was school's annual cross-country. Of course the event didn't proceed smoothly because it rained. And so we were dismissed really early. Haha rain was so heavy that I was drenched. And the grass at West Coast Park soaked my shoe so much that I took them off. Since I was already drenched, couldn't be bothered to use umbrella. Might as well run under the rain and enjoy myself.

And my ear was wet. And so was my phone. So when people called me I couldn't really hear them. So a lot of miscommunication. Hike recee was pushed later until 2pm and I only managed to cover half the checkpoints. I plan to do the remaining checkpoints this coming Saturday afternoon after my church outing.

Hike recee ended at 6pm. So chiong home for dinner and bathe... and thinking my dad would send me. How I know just because he wanted to watch TV then don't want send me. Ask me to wait till the show ends. Think I got so much time ah. I'm already late for cell leh. So I went myself. And I ran after the bus. And I caught up with the bus! :D Thank God for that!

Was really worried for my song sharing just now. I was the last one to share so I could see how others shared their songs and then imitated a bit of how they did it. I thought I couldn't hit the high notes but... thank God I did :)

But I don't think I brought across the message very well. Like I stammered a lot and then... it's like my words lacked the impact and the power. So I believe those who listened to my sharing found it quite boring. Haiz. Speech was an aspect that shaped me as an outgoing person last time. But right now, speech has become something that really drags me down.

I'm no longer a vocal person. And I'm beginning to feel that I'm not very good at getting along with people. Words, to me, is something I've become really sensitive to. Last time, when someone made a certain comment about me, I could laugh at it and take it easy. But now, when the same comment is made, it might spoil my mood and I might just enter an emo mood for some time.

I'm not very talented in piano. And I'm not good at singing either. And at this point in time, I'm not a very vocally expressive person. I'm rather ineffective in communicating my thoughts. That's why sometimes I choose to keep quiet. Especially when no one bothers to listen to me.

But I believe He has His plans for me.

All Those Moments

Today was a little bit better. Still didn't talk much today. Though there were moments of laughter and everything because I found entertainment while using my laptop. Haha. Won't wanna elaborate on what I was doing in class. Lol. At least I did my work when I was supposed to.

All the unhappy memories suddenly came back. And again I'm doubting my talent in music. I'm beginning to think that music might not be my area of talent after all. And I'm beginning to think that I'm talented in nothing. Oh wait. Talented in failing. Now I remember.

And I'm having second thoughts about my song sharing tomorrow. I'm even thinking that maybe I should just play the sound track and not sing along. Scarley I sing out of tune and then my self-confidence drops again. Haiz.

Sometimes I think... in what way does God still find me useful. Everywhere I go, I'm not needed. I'm not needed in class as well. And at BB. I still haven't gotten a reply for that email.

I just suddenly feel like disappearing. Like buying an air ticket and going where I want to go. I want to be away from all these.

I Will Lift My Eyes

This is another song that has really encouraged me during my times of downfall...

I am still feeling insecure, feeling lonely, left out, ignored and unwanted. But I am thankful that God never ignores me. God still wants me. And God will always be my refuge... who knows me inside out... who accepts me for who I am...

I am still praying for a spiritual buddy. Though right now I have decided I would not take the initiative to pop the question but rather let someone else do it. I don't want to always take the initiative. Perhaps it is what I have been through that makes me lose my confidence in being outgoing.

And I am transparent. I just felt my transparency today. After school, I was sitting at my desk doing my homework. I sit at the back corner of the class close to the wall. And there were a group of classmates throwing a basketball at the wall, many times I almost got hit by the ball. And I was sitting at my desk. They didn't notice that the ball might hit me. They couldn't be bothered about me.

What if the ball hit me? A 'sorry' would be too late because the hurt is done. The damage is done. A 'sorry' from my previous spiritual buddies might be too late because the hurt is done. Though I have patched things up with my first "spiritual buddy" and forgiven him, that does not take away the hurt that he has done. When a nail is hammered into a piece of wood and then later the nail is being pulled out of the wood, the nail may be gone, but it leaves a scar behind. And I am that piece of wood, continuously getting scarred by these nails...

I think I'm gonna cancel my invitations to the people whom I've sent out my blog invitation too but haven't accepted. I've been waiting for so long. If I'm not worth your time why should I continue waiting. And hoping. Only to know that these hopes are disappointments in disguise.

Sigh... There is really no point in putting on a smile when I'm actually crying deep inside...

I believe God, the almighty Healer, will heal me of my hurt...

The Background

Suddenly I feel so lost again...

Today during recess, when I sat with my classmates at the canteen, I didn't talk. I silently ate my food, and then returned my bowl and ran back to class.

I just feel so... unnoticed. Like I'm already doing my best to pick myself up. But how come no one in my class even sensed that something was wrong? There are a lot of things that I want to say in the face of people in my class, but I just keep quiet. If everyone in my class is liddat... then so be it.

I gave my first "spiritual buddy" my blog address because... we sorta patched things up. But what I need is not virtual concern. Like he can be very concerned about me on MSN? But I need encouragement. I want someone whom I can just sit down with. Someone who is willing to give me their attention and give me a chance to pour out all my inner feelings.

And what I need is affirmation and encouragement. Not someone to tell me "Is this what you should be doing?" and then tell me what I should do. I know that whenever I'm putting on an emo look, I'm not being a good testimony for God. But right now, I really don't want people to be telling me that I should be a good testimony for Him and rejoice always. Think so easy ah. Easily said, but not easy to be done. Maybe to these people it's very easy... but everyone has different personalities. I really cannot take another blow. Another major setback.

I'm afraid there might be a day... when I do not need to talk to anyone in school.

All I ask for is a listening ear. I don't think I have been too demanding of my past two "spiritual buddies". If you're someone's spiritual buddy, it means that this is a commitment and that you should spend time with that person. Not avoid him. Not to push him down when he has just barely picked himself up.

And my second "spiritual buddy" just had to push me down. Everytime I see him, it's like... all the memories just appear again... all the empty promises... not that he didn't apologize, but I felt betrayed. And the feeling of being betrayed by someone who knows you inside out is... really horrible. It feels like you're standing naked in the middle of Orchard Road.

I still haven't found a spiritual buddy. I don't wanna take the initiative and pop the question anymore. I don't know whether it's because I've become afraid to completely trust people, or is it whether I'm just the background.

No one takes notice of me. No one knows I'm around. Perhaps it's time I try absenting myself from school one day and see if anyone calls me. Nah just kidding.

Sigh tomorrow there's A Math assignment 4. And there's orchestra. And Friday is hike recee. And I haven't prepared anything for it. And tomorrow is due date for my IHS research paper.

And wow. I'm really a failure. During my POD presentation last Wednesday, I saw the teacher of the other half of the class nodding off during my presentation. What an encouragement. I must be a really boring person. And all the comments that I got from my teacher were rather negative. Like you should have done this you should have done that... as if it's so easy when you're the first one to be presenting...

Recently we were asked to take up planning positions in the BB Company Camp at the end of the year. Most of my BB cohort mates got their positions. I volunteered to be in Worship Band. But I haven't got a reply. Looks like I'm not needed anymore. I'm not needed in church, and neither am I in BB.

Oh I really feel like taking a break. If it were an option, I would definitely choose to fly to another place... away from all these... I'm not running away. I just need to give myself a break because I can't handle all these emotional stress...

Failure

Today... my day was spoiled...

I screwed up my Advanced Math assignment 3 very very very very badly. It's a grade assignment and part of its marks go into my coursework marks. Anyway my teacher gave me the question paper that was not compatible with my GDC, and I spent quite a bit of time looking through and trying to figure out what's going on. And my GDC uber fail. Super lag... make me waste so much time and in the end I got the function wrong. Haiz. I left the entire last page blank.

After that I went to see my teacher and my teacher said if I'm okay with it I can always look for him to do a retest. But then... I discussed with my friends already. Some more even if I was given the correct paper, my GDC would have failed anyway... so still I wouldn't be able to answer the questions in the last page. Haiz. Why liddat one. So I just told my teacher forget it. I won't do the retest. If I do badly for this one, so be it. I mean, I'd rather emo for one day that I didn't do well, rather than I retest and ace the assignment, but deep inside I know that I haven't been honest to myself and to God.

After PC talk today. I saw my second "spiritual buddy". He pretended not to see me. And just walked past me. Like total strangers. My mood was just beginning to get slightly better from A Math until I saw him... and then dunno why a lot of stuff was triggered. Sometimes I see myself as a reflection, especially in the Chinese drama I'm watching now... and I begin to think... how come no one treasures me... no one cherishes me... it's like... I'm just part of the background. No one really takes notice of me.

I have this feeling that I can't do things well... I'm easily affected my the things happening around me. I've become really sensitive to all these. To all the people reading this, no offence but... it feels like... I'm not needed as a church pianist anymore. Ever since all the pianists are back. I'm not needed. Everyone tells me that the struggles that I'm facing is part and parcel of growing up... but that doesn't mean that I should always be the outcast!!!

I'm not saying this out of jealousy or anything. I don't feel jealous at all. A few weeks back, in church choir, I asked the question of whether I'll be sacked if I don't play well, simply because I feel extremely inferior. There was a piece, when the pianist was not confirmed and it was asked who was supposed to play this piece. I did practise that piece. And I wanted to play. But I didn't make any sound. I didn't raise my hand. Because I know that compared to all the other pianists, I'm not up to it. When people keep on saying... feel the music, play with emotion and colour... somehow I just find it very hard to grasp these things.

I wish I could have my very own music studio. Like there's no one except me in the room. And it's soundproof so no one else hears me. And I can sing... play the piano... without having to feel inferior.

Sometimes people ask me, "Hey Alex how come you're so good at piano". Then I'll be thinking, really meh. So what if I've perfect pitch. I don't find it helpful in piano and singing...

Why do I fail at so many things... even things such as spiritual buddies... haiz... I wish there's someone to comfort me when I'm shedding tears. Why am I always silently shedding my tears...

I'm a person who appears to be strong on the outside. Trying to put on a smile so that no one knows what I'm thinking. But deep inside I'm really weak and fragile...

Overwhelmed

Wow I feel so overwhelmed by everything around me. I mean, I'm not feeling that emo already... but it's just that I have so many things to do...

I've BB Hike Planning to do. Gotta do a recee (hopefully) this Friday and get it over and done with. Hope that I can finish everything on that day then don't have to do another time. And then BB Hike stuff are all to be finalized by 10 August. And that's 4 days after my Orchestra Festival of Arts. What good timing. Everything packed together. Think I superman ah.

Orchestra FOA is next Friday 6 August! And I don't feel prepared. Like I suddenly feel so tired that I don't mind not playing Dvorak. Because I'm just too tired to handle 3 pieces. Sometimes I feel so tired and lazy that I don't want to take out my cello and practise. The other 2 pieces I can get by without practising haha. And guess what. Rehearsal next Tuesday and Wednesday end at 10.30pm. Reach home can only QT then sleep liao. Don't need do homework already.

Somemore all my coursework due next week! My FOA week! Like Bio coursework is due next week. And Physics coursework also. Omg... so many things to do... I can really go crazy leh...

Right now I'm still figuring out whether it is possible to find a location in Singapore on Google Maps just by keying in the MGR. That would save a lot a lot of trouble for my hike planning. And I just remembered I have to edit my Chinese coursework. If I'm not wrong presentation starts this week. Die liao...

I wish I didn't run for the post of Hike chairman. Like I didn't know that I would be so busy with stuff. Didn't think much at that point in time... and now I'm in for big time. Having muscle aches in my legs and right arm. Think it's due to the table tennis game on Friday. And I'm feeling so sleepy...

I wish I could just sleep and never wake up. These 3 weeks I'll be so busy that I don't have time to relax and get my emotions and mindset right. I mean, right now, my mental state has been much better. It's like... I know what I should do to start going up the cosine curve. Like I know I just need to relax and lay down all my burdens. But most of the time I still have a rather pessimistic mindset towards things. Like I'll tell myself "I can't do it". And I feel insecure very easily and I'm really sensitive to the verbal remarks from the people around me.

I told myself that I don't care how others look at me. But seems like I can't bring myself to do it. Deep inside I know I still care. I want to present myself well before others. I can't screw up my FOA. I can't screw up my planning for Sec 1 Hike or the entire thing may fail. I can't screw up my coursework. It's like... there are so many demands and expectations I have to meet, and I know that if I try to meet all these demands... I might just... break apart...

Pressure pressure pressure... stress stress stress... I still have to face a lot of academic pressure in school especially coursework for Advanced Math and Core Math which are held during lesson time. Like there's a time limit given. And Physics practical also. Time limit. Graded.

All these things drain me out mentally. And I realise I really need to vent it all out. To do the sport that I like... only weekends then can. I'm really tired. Mentally tired. I can go to sleep anytime.

I think I need to begin bringing my laptop to school on most days. Like coursework all done on laptop. So in school I can make the most out of my time and at least get a bit of work done. So that I have less to do at home lor. What to do. Help me... O God...

Thank You

Thank you to both my church small group members who gave me an enjoyable night! :)

It was... quite long ago since I played table tennis for 4 hours at 1 short... Haha... today was really a test of my stamina! Especially when playing against my brother... all the loops and the spin... wah need a lot of energy and stamina! Haha. At least it's good exercise. Keeps me fit. I suppose today I did lose a very little bit of weight hahaha... considering in school I ran 1.2km and then played badminton during PE. Really a sports day today for me huh.

Orchestra was... not too bad today. Haha. Hope tomorrow will be fine as well. Tomorrow morning will be a super busy morning. First is Orchestra, then when I'm not needed for the piece I'll go over for BB, and then when I'm needed again I have to go back. Wow. Stress leh. Haha. But no stress also no good ma.

Today was another really meaningful day. And about saying in my previous post that I won't sing in class... I'm just gonna call it off la. Haha. Shouldn't let such a minute thing affect my lifestyle. I am myself! Why do I have to purposely change my personality and make myself feel miserable?

Haha hope that tomorrow will be just as meaningful! :)

Putting Everything Behind

I decided it's time for me to put a lot of things behind.

After 4 weeks of school, I decided that I want a new start. I have been going downhill all the while, like the first half of the cosine curve, but I think I'm beginning to start on the second half of the cosine curve - that is, going up.

I trust God that this new journey of going up will be a new and exciting experience for me. But of course I'm not the same me la. Like after what happened today, I decided I won't sing in class anymore. Unless there are like only a few people around whom I know wouldn't mind. My desk partner seemed quite irritated when I sang today... like I'm making a lot of noise liddat. Haiz. The rest of the class also very noisy what. I can't believe my singing is classified as noise as well. Oh well. I'll confine my singing to the bathroom then. Hahaha.

I know that starting this cosine curve would not be easy. Like the saying goes, time will heal all wounds, and God as well. Right now I have learnt to put my not-so-pleasant experience with my first spiritual buddy behind. Like we're still friends and everything. I think it's because we've come to a common understanding. Perhaps the space that we each had during the first 2 weeks of school was for us to reflect a bit ba... at least I did reflect haha. Thinking of it... maybe I was too demanding last time? I'm not a perfect person, and I'm still working hard.

What still upsets me right now (causing most of my emoness sometimes) is actually... the triggered experiences with my second "spiritual buddy". I find it super hard to put it back down. Everytime I think that someone might be a possible spiritual buddy... I think of this experience... of how he was so caring and nice to me in the beginning and then suddenly a stab in the back after my mid-year exams. Last time I thought there was no one who cared for me so much. Though I felt uncomfortable at times when he almost went beyond the healthy boundaries but... at that point in time I was feeling really down. I had my doubts about him, but I thought I'd just leave everything to God and assume he's just being super caring.

Then suddenly he tells me all those stuff about me being an unapproachable person and being scared to offend me... scared of me... At that point in time I was already shouldering a lot of insulting remarks from the people around me. I felt really unfair. And I felt that... this spiritual buddy thingy just... went stagnant from that point on. I began to erect a wall around myself. Not wanting to get hurt. And ever since then, I became a super emo person...

Recently I got a bit of liveliness back. I'm actually quite happy that during BB CE sharing today, people said I don't look emo. That's a good sign actually. But I still fail at stuff. Like today during BB CE sharing, when everyone had to do a small sharing about their lives so far, I just went BLANK. Like I didn't know what to say. All these unhappy memories were triggered but I knew I couldn't say it out because that person is a BB officer. I was afraid because I wouldn't wanna know how they would react to my comments. So I just brought it all over by saying "a lot of unhappy things happened these few months." After that I totally screwed up my sharing. I felt that my sharing delayed a lot of time. I was just saying random sentences. Most were irrelevant. Sigh I fail at sharing sessions also. Typical me. Expert at failing.

I still do see my second "spiritual buddy" around. Like he's always standing in obvious places during morning assembly and when he walks into the BB room when I am around. When I hear my cohort mates calling him "such a nice guy" it just feels really weird. Like I'll just respond to these remarks by smiling. And in occasional times when he suddenly talks to me on MSN I feel like omg omg omg why can't he just leave me alone and let me continue with my life...

Sometimes I feel really bad for this incident as well because he shared with me before that he met a lot of situations when he offered his friendship when others were feeling down. And when these people found a new group of friends, they stopped communicating with him. I'm wondering whether I'm liddat also. Like now I'm closer to my cell people then... haiz... that time when I go out for lunch and then study with my cell members... he asked me why everytime he ask me out for lunch or dinner I say cannot then now I go out with my cell members... where's my space!!!

There are times when I face this experience with a feeling of regret, and other times a lousy feeling. Like why did I choose to trust him so much when we crossed paths for not long. I thought that maybe it was because he's a teacher? BB officer? I really don't know what made me trust him in the first place. I confided in him pertaining to a lot of my problems and now I just feel so... naked. Like I've nothing much kept to myself already.

Haiz today's post so long... very paiseh leh... those who bothered to read till the end... thanks so much :)

Hillsong - Through It All

Here's a song that really encouraged me in my times of struggles... I hope that this song can be a blessing to others as well! :)

A song that really encouraged me during my struggles... :)

Thank You Lord

My heart is so full of thanksgiving right now...

There's this song that goes... This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! Yes, today is the day that He has made, I will rejoice! And I did. I've learnt that in whatever situations, I just have to lift my eyes to Him...

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says that, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Yes, this is very true!

Today was a very very busy day, because there was POD presentation, which didn't go very well but didn't go too badly either. Haha. Then there was A math coursework. Which I don't think I screwed up. And there was orchestra. The nightmare piece - Dvorak! But I managed to play 75% of the parts. Like certain major parts I can't play yet. And my official section leader is back! When talking about the difficult parts I couldn't play, he told all of us that actually those parts can fake. If all of us actually play then concert master complain too loud. Even he was almost faking. Haha. Seems like I should fake as well so that the dynamics would be just right. Lol.

Tomorrow another long day. Physics practical assessment. Then got orchestra and BS meeting. And I need to lose weight. But cannot find time to run leh. I seriously need to lose weight. I don't want my coronary arteries to be blocked at such a young age. Wait a minute. Not that young liao. In less than 2 months time I'll be 16. 16 not that young already.

Haha forgot to mention that yesterday, when I went for Service Learning... my first time actually cleaning toilet. I think I did try at home but always get chased out by mum. Of course she does the job better... haha but thought it wasn't a "clean" experience, I didn't understand how much tiredness my mum has to go through when she does all the housework. Lol my classmate said that the way I mop the floor really looks like custodian. Haha feel quite happy about it. Shows that I'm rather professional in that area huh.

Really, sometimes in difficult situations... the way to get out of these situations is to give thanks. Like I felt really at peace when I thanked Him for letting me truly experience a meaningful day which He has made and all His creation!

Thank you Lord! :)

Busy Week Ahead

Wow this is definitely another crazy week ahead... Haha something really weird happened in class today. Each of us were supposed to have 2 tutorial worksheets for Advanced Math. It's like... we're supposed to complete both tutorials in exam conditions. Then I only received one tutorial because the guy sitting in front of me only passed me one. He knew that I didn't get the second tutorial and he just kept quiet. Didn't ask teacher or tell me. And I dunno why I didn't hear the teacher asking "Who doesn't have tutorial 2".

So at the end when I found out there was a tutorial 2 I was quite angry. Cos I thought he was really selfish... But coming to think of it now... it was really funny because I was slacking throughout the first tutorial and thinking, "Wah other people do so slow hehehe"... Lol. I've learnt to put this behind and just laugh at what happened.

Regarding my social situation in class, I'm still learning how to cope with it. And indeed I must say that I really need wisdom from God to learn how to deal with these type of situations. They're not easy to handle, but in Him nothing is impossible!

I'm trying my best to be happy, but sometimes things that trigger these unhappy experiences may come my way. So pardon me if sometimes something suddenly happens and I all of a sudden switch to emo mode... but this emo mode usually doesn't last for long. Within 20 minutes I should be back to my normal mode again. Haha.

This week... tomorrow there's Advanced Math coursework to be done in class... Thursday there's written commentary to be done in class... and I've 2 Core Math assignments due this week... Haiz... busy leh! Friday night would definitely be a very good time to destress!

So that's all for today... gotta go complete all my assignments! Take one step at a time! :)

New Week, New Hope

It's gonna be another 7 days in a new week. I hope tomorrow will be a good start for my new schooling week. I have survived 15 school days (including those school holidays in between), and I hope that I can survive the remaining 35 days...

It feels like these 3 weeks have been passing by rather slowly. I have been trying to change my perceptions about the people around me, especially my classmates, but there are a lot of setbacks as well. Like sometimes I still feel that I'm transparent. And when I speak no one bothers to really give me their attention. Okay maybe just idly listen to me for 1 minute then they'll talk to someone else like I don't exist. Haiz. If you don't want to talk to me then tell me la why you have to treat me this way!!!

I think there is no point deceiving myself. If I'm happy, I'll show it. But if I'm not, there's no point faking a smile and pretending to be happy. I'll be true to myself and true to God. I'm close to the point on giving up hope on the people in my class. I don't think anybody really genuinely regards me as a friend. Even those people whom I viewed as my closer friends in class... have never really showed concern over what has happened to me... Maybe 1 or 2 people have asked "Hey Alex how are you" like in a joking manner but nothing beyond that. Obviously I'm not fine!

There are many times when I'm alone and wishing that there's someone beside me whom I can just openly share about what I've been through. I can't keep everything to myself and pretend like nothing happened these few months through my behaviour in class.

Hope that this new week will be better for me. I know I need to place my focus on God and not let my feelings be affected by what happens around me. Perhaps in class I'll just be a quiet and more introvert person. But that doesn't mean I won't be happy okay! As the title of this post says, new week, new hope. Hope in God. Not in men. I've almost lost hope on the people in my class. Just people who mug mug mug mug mug the whole day. Only care about studies and not so much about friendship. Perhaps I should just treat my first "spiritual buddy" like an acquaintance. Like say hi if need be. Full stop.

For people reading my blog... please feel free to post your comments... I may not reply to your comments but yes I do read them! And your encouragements mean a lot to me k! Thanks to those who were willing to spend time to read my blog... like I know there are a few who are silently reading but don't post comments... thx to you all! :)

And I want to take this chance to thank all my cell members... thank you all for being so willing to listen to all my thoughts and feelings from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for all your encouragement... thanks for being the only group of people who let me truly experience what is friendship... and brother and sisterly love in Christ... the love that comes from God! :)

Over

Wow this busy day is finally over... I really thank God for His provision and His guidance! :)

Today's ROD Live Praise was okay... except my scores kept on sliding off so I had to play the chords with my left hand while putting them back in place with my right hand. And Orchestra was okay... Conductor and concert master forgot about the audition so... managed to escape today. Hehe.

I think I know what song I'm gonna share for the song sharing next next Friday. It won't be any of the two songs that I've mentioned in one of the earlier posts. It's titled "Give Us Clean Hands". I want to share this song because I feel that there is a very important message that God wants me to bring across through this song, especially in our generation right now, where the world is getting so corrupted and stuff liddat. I'll share more on the day itself ba! Might even decide to do an analysis of the lyrics. Hehe.

I'm so surprised that despite being so tired... I still finished my Chemistry assignment! Yay! Though right now I really wish there's a one week break for me. To do what I like. Don't have to do work. That'll be really great :)

Today didn't have time to feel empty because I was so occupied with things going on. Like I'm rushing for time. Where got time to think of all these things? But once I'm alone, once I have nothing to do, this sense loneliness and emptiness begins to creep in... sometimes I feel that just by trying to make myself happy, I do overly-retarded stuff like... being super childish. Then after that I'll reflect and say "Shit why did I do that"!

What I need right now is not someone to point out all my mistakes and order me about how I should behave. I need someone to encourage me.

Crazy Tomorrow

I'm really thankful for tonight's session... that I learnt how to be a cell member that is pleasing to God in all my ways, as well as my roles and responsibilities in a cell group.

Tonight's Praise and Worship was... quite smooth I guess, though I did make mistakes haha but I suppose they're not too obvious... considering I only practised once yesterday late at night after finish practising cello. Though there were slight hiccups but I could feel the presence of God, and that's what I'm really thankful for. I'm also thankful that my P&W leader was very patient and understand with me also... haha :)

Tomorrow is a crazy day ahead leh. Morning. BB ROD. I'm playing keyboard for Live Praise and for ROD special I'm keyboardist as well. After ROD I've to go for Orchestra. After Orchestra is my Dvorak auditions!!! Which was actually why I practised my cello yesterday. Lol.

I still find that... most of the people in my class are very insincere towards me. To put in bluntly, it means that most people don't treat me as a friend. More like someone to approach when they desperately need help. Or just someone to hang around with. But not as a friend. Nope. Sigh.

I know what I'll do now. I'll treat my first "spiritual buddy" like an acquaintance. Like we just say hi to each other and full stop.

I realise I've become a person with very low self-confidence and low self-esteem. Because I'm not heard. I see people who just shout out their comments in class and everyone can respond by laughing. But most of the time I'm just talking to walls. When I think of a humorous remark and I verbally make it known, I find that I'm talking to no one. No one bothers to hear me. Not even my desk partner hears me. I'm just talking to a wall. And after that I'll tell myself, "Alex, next time just shaddap because no one is listening to you. You'll feel better if you keep quiet instead." So I decided in class, I'll take up an introvert personality. I've become a more introvert person, but if the people around me are the people whom I'm comfortable with (like ppl from my cell group), I can be rather extrovert. I think, if I absent myself in school for one day, maybe no one will realise.

Sigh. Better go sleep soon. Long day ahead tomorrow.

Lost

Wow this week... weekend is just as crazy. BB ROD on Saturday. Playing for Live Praise and ROD special... and tomorrow I'm playing for cell group Praise and Worship as well. Wow so many things to do!!!

Saturday got orchestra auditions for Dvorak... super difficult piece. I just finished practising haha... gotta prepare myself for the auditions. I know I won't play well but... oh well if I pass the auditions I will diligently practise because I don't wanna paiseh on the actual day haha...

I'm still adapting to my new perspective of things and the way things are going around me. This term very crazy leh. Coursework after coursework. Assignments after assignments. They never stop coming. Haiz...

I've become less emo these days. Trying my best to smile for God. But there are times when I feel emo as well. And I realised that there is no point feigning a smile when I'm actually emo. If I'm emo, I'll just show it ba. No point making myself feel bad deep inside. There are many times when I'm trying my best to put on a brave front my smiling when my heart's crying deep inside... at the people who never take our friendships seriously...

To me, it seems like... those who used to be around me a lot are not true to me at all. They treat me as a friend when they need me but when it's my turn to approach them... I seem like a nuisance to them. Why is life liddat! Sometimes I feel very... mistreated leh :(

Still praying for a spiritual buddy... sometimes I think why God hasn't fulfilled my desires. I'm sure He desires for me to have a spiritual buddy as well. But where is this person?! These few days I keep on seeing my second "spiritual buddy" around... we seem like enemies. It's like... I feel his glare all the time... staring at me as if full of hatred at me... and when I think of it this way, I feel so... lousy...

I want to have someone who understands me... whom I can freely share all my experiences... someone to laugh with me and cry with me... Sometimes I get this feeling like... perhaps God wants him to be my spiritual buddy... but all of a sudden I feel a sense of coldness coming from him...

I feel so lost at times...

Complicated

Sigh I feel my life is still just as complicated. I'm just trying to look at things from a more positive point of view. I don't know when I've become like this. I know my Orchestra teacher has already been very generous to give me Saturday off (though I still went for BB. but that's my fault) and I tried to ask for tomorrow off as well. I gave the reason that I had to prepare for prelims but actually I just didn't want to see the conductor. Because I don't know how his response to me will me. And most likely I'm gonna be section leader again cos my desk partner has math remedial. So gotta prepare myself for a suanning session tomorrow lor. :(

These fews days I know I'm feeling better. While I may seem like I'm smiling, actually half the time I'm smiling because I don't wanna expose my inner feelings. Sometimes a very simple thing can upset me. Like while speaking to someone and that person suddenly daos me. That kind of thing ruins my feelings as well.

I don't know how tomorrow will turn out. I'm quite worried for Thursday's paper as well because I know I'm probably not gonna do well for Paper 1. So I just have to hope for the best. That I understand all the words and phrases and the passages for the cloze passage and comprehension.

I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. Today my Sec 2 friend asked me whether I wanna join my school's fellowship. I couldn't give an answer. I'm not ready yet. The changes around me and within me are so great. I'm still trying to adapt to everything. I'm really not ready to accept a new group of people because I don't know if they'll end up... you know what. I don't have to finish my sentence.

Sigh sometimes, seeing how my first "spiritual buddy" can get along so well and spend so much time with another classmate, I'm thinking why he didn't do the same when we were spiritual buddies. Sometimes when this thought comes into my mind it's like... my feelings suddenly go on a downhill ride. But I'll put on a smile to try to hide this emotion. Perhaps it's these smiles that help me feel better.

Still deciding which song to choose for my song sharing 2 weeks later during cell. Dunno if I should choose "Through It All" or "I Will Lift My Eyes". Both are songs that have encouraged me a lot during my downfall. I dunno which one to pick. Haha.

Starting to feel tired and occasionally beginning to fall asleep in class already. Feel myself being tired maybe because I'm trying so hard to adapt and change. I feel that I'm... more quiet and less outgoing. And I'm much more sensitive to insults and comments directed at me.

Sigh the path ahead seems so complicated. It's like there are many paths for me to choose. All of them are equally challenging. I feel that I can't go through this alone. Though I have God with me, but I really hope that I can have someone to always encourage me. To go through all these stages with me...

Feeling So Tired

Sigh I dunno what happened... but it just feels like today has been a very tiring day for me... and there were not very pleasant things that happened, but I'm thankful that these are extremely trivial things...

First was my Chinese prelim. I don't think I wrote well because for my compo I wrote mainly on foreign talent blending into our society and I didn't write much on the importance and impact of foreign talent. Sigh. What's done is done. What to do.

Then I realised that my plastic containers which I brought to school were gone. They were supposed to be used for Biology practical but then only at the end of the day I remembered about it. And my desk partner told me when he came back to class he only found his. He didn't see mine. So I suppose someone who didn't bring his own container saw mine and took mine. Sigh. Thankfully at home still have containers. Haha.

Then I got headache. Now still having headache. It's those type that... prevents you from sleeping because you can't relax yourself while your head is throbbing so hard. Haha. Not the first time ma. Used to have headaches very often in P6. Now considered a lot better liao. Lol.

My dad changed a SIM card for me and didn't tell me. So I spent quite a bit of time after school taking out my SIM card and putting it back again. I didn't know that my previous SIM card was disabled liao. Sigh.

Today was supposed to practise piano accompaniment with my friend for his O level MEP. This morning then he tell me he got CIP. Hey I cancelled my piano lesson for this leh. Then he last minute cannot make it. I wasn't happy about it though he told me he forgot. Somemore my SIM card deactivated so cannot sms my piano teacher.

Today just feel very lazy leh. Didn't do much work today. Came home only finished 3 parts of an A math question and SL reflection. Quite disappointed in myself leh. Sigh.

Busy week ahead leh. This Friday pianist for praise and worship. And I can't find the score for one song!!! Panic... And Saturday got BB ROD worship. I'm keyboardist. And I've to write a piano part for ROD special. Sigh. So many things to do. And Bio prac!!!

Think this Wednesday I won't go for orchestra. I'll tell my teacher I need the time off to prepare for prelims on Thursday. Dunno why but still feel a bit pissed at the conductor. If I were given a choice I wouldn't wanna step inside the music centre ever again. Haiz... life's liddat lor.

Today felt like I was just trying to while away time. Like I'm watching a Chinese drama. Mediacorp one. Filmed 3 or 4 years ago I think. Or was it 5 years ago. Haha. Watched 4 episodes today. Good evidence of how much concentration I have today. Lol. At least had quite a good laugh.

At least today I handed over all my responsibilities to my Sec 3 replacing me after ROD. Haha. Don't think I did a good job in giving my instructions but... he said he understood. Haha.

Hope I can continue to smile for the rest of this week. I keep on reminding myself that I should rejoice in Him. If I emo the whole day and show all my unhappiness I won't make myself feel better anyway. Unless I feeling really lousy then I'll emo lor. Haha. That's just me. :)

My Life Is a Mess

I have had enough of my life. I don't know why all of a sudden I don't find any purpose in this world now. After reading the book "How to Ruin Your Life by 40", I know I shouldn't be thinking this way and feeling this way, but now... I feel so useless. I really do nothing well.

Today, in Orchestra, I was humiliated in front of everyone. So much so that the next rehearsal (that is if I am going to be around to attend one), I will be crawling in with my cello because I have lost ALL my pride.

I was forced to be temporary section leader today. Because there was no one else around to be one. They all push the responsibility to me. Not like I want to do it. And today, I was humiliated, like I wanted to be a section leader so much, but I fail at it. Uber fail. Yay! That's 1 more thing added to my fail list! Woohoo!

All my pride was gone today. The conductor scolded me as if I had no feelings. He threw his temper at me. I tried my best to play well. But I had my limits. And I have no time to practise cello because I place my piano before my cello. I have piano exam this year. But today I still tried my best! Not like I totally couldn't play...

The viola section made mistakes as well, but the conductor just smiled at them and joked with them. But when I made mistakes... he had to throw his temper, throw his book, rip his book, scold anything he can think of... so much so that right now I even look down on myself. I'm useless. That's a fact. I can't think of so much right now.

Every time I pray to God that I walk out of every failure, I fall deeper instead. Why? Why? WHY?!!!

I really felt like throwing my cello on the floor and just storming out of the music centre. That place is hell. I don't like hell. I don't want to go back there. Do you know how I was feeling just now? I was holding back all my tears, fighting back tears... swallowing down my tears...

The conductor even compared me to a Sec 2. Said that he could lead the section better than me. And I'm Sec 4. See how fail I am? After learning cello for 3 years, I can't even lead a section. I'm a total failure.

Let's recap what I fail at today:

I fail at...

Leading people

Doing my job

Bringing people joy

Cello

So what if I have perfect pitch? My life is still screwed up! I made the wrong decision to continue cello in Sec 1 when I was given the choice. I made the wrong choice not to change piano teacher when my parents asked when I was Grade 5. And now I'm living with the consequences. That I suck at piano. I suck at everything. Right now, I can't think of anything I'm good at. Wait a minute. I think I know what I'm good at. I'm good at failing.

See, I'm so good at failing that I score full marks for it. That everyone laughed at me when the conductor made super sarcastic remarks at me. No one thought of how I would feel. Even no one bothers to read my blog and post comments at my blog now. I'm worse than a piece of shit.

I tried to hide all my emotions when I got home. I put on a really fake smile. When deep down inside my heart was bleeding. My mother even asked me why I was so happy. I couldn't take it anymore. I took my clothes and quickly entered the bathroom. So there was a place for me to let everything out...

I don't know why I'm doing something which I don't like. I realised that I no longer enjoy playing the cello.

I'm useless. Full stop.

Trying My Best

I'm trying my best to be happy... because I know that I have to rejoice in Him. If I don't, then my life would not be any different from a non-Christian, then how am I going to be a good testimony for God?

Today, I searched for the post on Facebook again. The one about the flag lowering thingy... and I read all the comments. Felt quite upset after reading my OIC's comments about "speaking to them". I'm trying to take all these from a positive point of view, and I am trying my best to adapt to all the changes within me and around me.

I find that I'm getting very sensitive to criticism. It's like... last time, if someone criticizes me, I would just try to improve. But now, it feels like... every single criticism means that I fail at doing something well. Then I'm reminded of the parable of the talents, and keep on wondering whether I'm trying my best to be the one with the five talents, but instead of gaining back another five talents, I lose the original five that I have. It's this... feeling... and sometimes I can't help it...

Today in school was... not bad. Quite sleepy and tired, because last night I didn't sleep well. But overall, I seemed emo... but I wasn't emo okay! I was just tired and felt tired. So maybe that's why I seemed emo. But today I was quite happy. Like really happy. Maybe because my first "spiritual buddy" was absent from school? Haha the way I put it is like... I very sadist leh. But it's just that I don't see him, so I'm not reminded of any unhappy experience, and I tell myself there's no reason for me not to be happy.

Sigh then afternoon I went home and then thought there'll be piano lesson. But piano lesson cancelled. Then I saw the post on Facebook from my second "spiritual buddy". Actually, I didn't happen to see the post. I went to search for the post. I don't know why. Maybe just curious about the comments lor. But didn't know they'll affect me so badly. Seems like I've become quite sensitive leh.

Hmmm... I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. I really don't know who this person will me. But everytime I get the feeling that Person X might me a possible "target", I'm reminded of my previous two incidents, then I start to erect a wall around myself. Maybe I'm just too afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to approach someone. I want someone to approach me. Someone who can melt my wall and enter my world.

I keep on saying that I don't care how others look at me. But now I'm starting to think that I'm just trying to convince myself that image is not important. But deep down inside I still know that I actually care. I'm just trying to make myself feel better all the time. Sigh.

Tomorrow dunno whether my first "spiritual buddy" will go to school or not. Don't know how my mood will be when I see him. I don't want to get hurt, but at the same time, I don't want to have a heart of steel...

Just read my cell mate's blog, and I'm really happy that she's found a spiritual buddy. I'm happy because there's one less person like me. I find that I'm a rather negative example because I'm like... so gloomy. Last time some people used to call me sunshine because I bring joy to others, but now it feels like this shine is gone liao. I feel that I no longer bring joy to others.

I'm trying my best to change myself. I know that if God places a spiritual buddy in my life, I would definitely feel better because I can really be open about everything I've been through. And I can cry in front of him, knowing that he will not laugh at me when he sees my tears...

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

After today's sermon, I then realised that all those words that I typed in my blog post yesterday were so foolish...

I knew that all I had to do was to build my foundation on God! And to place my focus on Him and nothing else, because He is a faithful God, a God who never disappoints! And what one of my cell members did to encourage me was that I should let others see the Christlikeness in me, and one way to do so during this period of time is to show that I can find joy and rejoice in Him!

I am typing this post now, without any anxiety or nervousness, but experiencing a sense of peace within me. I know this peace does not come from within me, but it comes from Him.

I'm also thankful that I am finally able to have a good time of sharing with my mother, and now she also understands what I have been through all these while. I am so touched with what she said, because she said she is my mother, and if I've anything bottled up, I should always share it with her regardless of how it will worry her. And she told me, if there's anything that has been affecting me negatively, simply talk to God. He hears. He listens! :)

Right now, it just feels as if all my burdens are being lifted off me. Tomorrow I don't have to go to school. Youth Day holiday. Yay :) But when a new school week starts on Tuesday, I know that I just have to let Him take control. Regardless of how difficult the road ahead may seem to be, right now I know that what He wants me to do is to face it with a smile! :)

Upside Down Again

Just when I'm able to pick myself up again, just when I see a glimmer of hope in my days ahead, I'm falling down again!

Seriously right now I really don't know what to do with my life. Just when I found the strength to stand up again and face life with a smile, I'm afraid, from this moment onwards, my face might never reflect a smile ever again...

Today, after BB parade, I forgot to lower the BB flag. And my second "spiritual buddy" posted it on Facebook. So now the whole world knows that the flag wasn't lowered. I believe he didn't know I was one of the flag raisers but... now the whole world knows I'm a joke I'm a failure!!!

Seriously now I don't know what to do with my life. I really feel like running away. Run away from home. Run away from everyone. To a place where no one can find me. Since I'm no longer important to anyone anyway...

Sigh it's gonna be another day when I cry myself to sleep.

Let Go and Let God

Today was... a typical day lor. Haha. My Singlish coming back on my blog liao. Nothing wrong lor. Lol. I quite random huh :)

I finished reading the book "How to Ruin Your Life by 40", and I thought that there are a lot of situations that are applicable to me... it's like when I read it just clicks. I finally understand how important I am to God, that what I am today is not a coincidence, but rather, the process of God moulding me into someone whom He can incorporate into His will!

I will start strong, and I will end strong. The book says that out of 10 who start strong, only 1 will end strong. I hope I am the 1 person that ends strong, and I also hope that as time passes, there will be more who end strong.

Before free period ended, I actually finished reading the book. So I got nothing to do lor. Then I take out earphones and started listening to music... and took out the book again to re-read some parts again. I dunno why when I finished reading the book the first time, my emotions like downward graph liddat leh, drop a lot. And I felt very emo. Dunno why but... that's just me I guess...

And I suddenly felt like saying a prayer. I think no one in class realised that I was praying because... I was just so unimportant in everyone's eyes that I probably don't deserve any attention. But that doesn't matter to me, because I know that I am important to God, and that is what matters!

Though I still felt slightly emo after praying, I knew that all I had to do was to let go and let God. Once I let Him take control and guide me, I will experience a sense of inner peace and calmness, for I know that through my life, I can glorify Him!

I hope to be a good testimony for Him! :)

Facade

Today was... not bad! I felt that I was myself, and that I no longer let myself be guided by my emotions, but rather, just relax.

However, I've begun to realise the facades of the people around me... Like how my first "spiritual buddy" can be so promising and nice to me on MSN yesterday when I told him my decision but all of a sudden in class today he treats me like I'm transparent. But I'm already not letting myself get affected by all these. In fact, I gave thanks, because God opened my eyes and let me see what type of person he is.

I gave thanks, because God helped me make the right decision of rejecting him as a spiritual buddy again. I gave thanks, because I knew that if I had blindly handled things according to my independent will instead of seeking Him, I would be much more miserable now.

All these facades from the people around me... Sometimes it gets me really confused. Who is genuine and who isn't. But anyway, I know that all I gotta do is not be like those hypocrites who put on a facade. I just have to be myself. Be sincere. Be true to others.

Well... I'm still hoping for a better tomorrow. I know that I'm beginning to bounce back from my failures. I feel myself laughing more often. I find that I'm no longer thinking about the unhappy stuff and emo-ing... I've learnt that when these unhappy memories are triggered, instead of emo-ing and feeling sad and letting my mood get ruined, I should look at it from a reflective point of view and give thanks to God for opening my eyes. Though I would still get a little quieter and maybe emo, but I'm learning how to cope with these emotions.

I believe that through these experiences, God has made me stronger, and I hope that with this new personality that God has moulded me into, I can do much more for Him.