Moving On

A few days ago, I started reading the book of Job for my QT. And I want to say that I really found a lot of encouragement from this book. Plus this morning, after a "class" with my mentor, I have become more confident about the fact that all those pessimistic and negative stuff I have been telling myself are actually false.

All these while, I have only been considering things from only my own point of view, being protective about myself, most of the time even being over-protective. I have never considered about how others would feel and think regarding the way I behave. To summarise what I've said, all these while I feel that I've been really really selfish.

I think it's time to break out of the shell. I know I can do it. It's only a matter of choice. It's because of the result of misbelief that caused me to type all the previous blog posts that could have hurt people. And I didn't realise that because I've only been considering how I was feeling at that point in time.

Right now feeling really horrible. Zzz. Down with sore throat. How nice. After my throat ulcer is gone, now I've sore throat. And I think I didn't sleep properly last night, that's why now my neck hurts whenever I try to turn my head to the left. And I'm having a really horrible headache as well. I think my headache is because of the strain in the left side of my neck.

Hopefully after a night's rest I would feel much better tomorrow. Haha. For a moment I thought I had a fever because my mum repeatedly placed her palm on my forehead. Usually if I don't have a fever she'll only feel my forehead once. But today was different. At least I don't feel like I've gotten a fever. Maybe it's just my headache that is making me feel so horrible.

Haiz I think I really have to sleep early tonight. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep by 11pm. I suddenly remembered that I have not slept so early for so long. Lemme break my record today. Lol.

I think from now on, I'll stop dwelling on all those unhappy experiences. I'll try to type happier posts :) Of course, I must reflect how I'm feeling deep inside, but right now, I feel really determined to walk out of this shadow. I shouldn't be mistreating myself by making myself feel miserable. And I'm sure God doesn't want to see me this way as well.

That's all for today. Oh and not to forget that two days ago I actually slipped in my grandma's room because there was powder all over her floor. And I knocked and scraped my shin against her bed. Nothing big, but just... blue-black. Zzz now I cannot eat fried food in school because of my throat. Oh no. Fried food, oh fried food, I'll miss you. But I'll be back for you :D

Eeeeww sounded so mushy. Lmao.

Shut Up Alex

I think I still don't shut up enough. I'm still talking to walls. Sometimes I try to spice things up for myself by cracking a joke and in the end I get reprimanded by the people around me. So much for trying to be happy.

Everytime something like this happens, I can't help but tell myself, "Alex just shut up. How come you don't learn your lesson? Just keep quiet la! Only talk when you need to, not when you want to." And so I'll begin keeping my thoughts to myself, even though I might craft out funny remarks, I still keep them to myself and just silently laugh it off. And when I finally open my mouth to talk, the cycle starts all over again.

Haiz. Why is this happening to me... Just because I have no temper? Just because when I'm bullied I don't retaliate? Just because I'm gullible and nice to bully?

Perhaps it's time I start showing some temper. To stand up for myself and show other's that I'm not as easy to bully as they all think.

Church wasn't that bad two days ago. I felt a little more warmth and love in that community. Hopefully I'll begin to find that sense of belonging again.

Meeting the Hurdles

I'm really thankful that God had made this hike a success! Though not all the checkpoints were covered, but I believe that everybody had many lessons to take home and that everyone had fun!

Personally I really cherished the time that I had with my Sec 1s. Though most of the time we were just joking around and verbally irritating each other, but it felt really light-hearted, and these light-hearted feelings seemed to replace the emptiness within me.

But hike is over. And the emptiness is back.

Tomorrow there's Bible verse memorisation. And I'm still memorising. And I'm leading prayer session tomorrow. Suddenly feels so stressed out again. I just came back from hike and got stuff to handle liao. Wah. Shiong leh.

But what's the most stressful is that... I'll be meeting the hurdles again. Who knows, I might be entering a church and feeling so alone again. The cell group which originally gave me a sense of belonging... suddenly I no longer feel the sense of belonging. The cell group has sufficient pianists. And honestly speaking... when I saw the choir score for the SATB parts for the Christmas song, I couldn't bear to look at it. I'm not SATB. I'm just the audience.

And all the while I have been wanting to sing tenor in the choir. I know that I can hit bass notes as well, but I feel that... God gave me the potential to hit these high notes as well. And I'm not given a chance to realise this. Everytime got SATB conductor will always assign me bass. Except for one song, which I asked to be in tenor. Other than that all bass. Bass then bass lor. Since don't need me liao then sing soft soft also can lah.

Tomorrow feels like a challenge. To me every single day feels like a challenge.

Appearance versus Reality

This title sounds like a theme that consistently appears in the proses for Lang Arts. Lol.

I'm still very confused. I feel that the way I am letting each moment pass has no purpose in it. Okay apart from the spiritual purpose of my life... I find that it's just very meaningless. I still find it hard to trust people like I did before. Perhaps it was because I was too trusting... that I was taken for granted... and it happened twice.

Right now, I really don't know who is being true to me. Like who is a true friend. And who is not. I know there are many many people around me who only come to me when they need something from me. Other times it's like we're strangers. So putting it in a blunt and not-so-nice way, they're just making use of me... and when they ask favours from me of course it won't be nice to say no right...

Sometimes I get really really scared. Because someone who appears to be extremely trustworthy can suddenly turn his back on me. My second "spiritual buddy" was a teacher, a BB officer, and I trusted him because based on my mindset, teachers are trustworthy people. And some more BB officer. And so I mustered the courage to trust him.

And it turned out that... this trust was betrayed. This experience still haunts me from time to time. I tell myself I must let go. But everytime I walk past him before morning assembly and after morning assembly... and it feels like we're having a cold war... the emo feeling just comes back again.

Yes I've become a really sensitive person. Sensitive to remarks and criticism. And at times I do hate myself for who I am. Because I'm a failure in life.

It's not just in school. Even people in my cell group... I'm starting to think that some of them are not who they appear to be. I thought as siblings in Christ... all the more we should help each other. In the past, when my cell-mate always ask me to replace him as pianist because he cannot make it, I would say yes. And this Friday, I can't make it for cell because of BB Hike and I'm pianist, so I sms him to replace me. And up till now I have yet to receive a reply.

All I have to say is that I'm really disappointed. I'm tired of taking the initiative all the time. I'm tired of being a nice guy and in the end all I get is being labelled a "monster", receiving nothing when I ask for help.

I put in my effort and try to play well when I'm pianist in church. But most of the time what do I get? People who think they're more advanced in music coming to me and criticizing me about the way I play.

Do you know how it feels to be so nervous everytime I'm assigned to play because I'm afraid I won't play well? And when I think that I didn't screw up, what I get is criticisms. After all these setbacks time and again, I already feel so afraid to stand up in front of all my juniors this weekend during hike and giving instructions. I'm afraid I would just be a joke... giving instructions and no one follows. Talking to myself.

Previously I had thoughts of joining another church. And I thought perhaps this year if I put in more effort and attend all their gatherings, I would blend in better. But it doesn't turn out so. Perhaps this is what you get if you join a cell group whereby on average everyone is 10 years older. They are working, they have money to spend, they have time to go shopping... so everytime they start talking about all these stuff and clothes and fashion and shopping... I feel so left out.

There's no one to whom I can openly share about my feelings and experiences in school. Because of age gap. Many times, these thoughts just whirl around in my mind... and I have to put on a smile because I don't wish to break down in front of so many people. At most I'll just emo.

There's a saying that goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. I don't think I've more than 10 friends.

Sense of Belonging

I thought that my cell group would be a place where I would feel a sense of belonging and that at least there's one group of people around to accept me... but I'm gradually feeling that this sense of belonging is dropping, so much so that I actually feel left out in church.

How does it feel like when you try to be part of a conversation, but you don't understand what the conversation is about?

Personally... I thought that last Sunday was a really bad day for me. During lunch I tried to attach myself to be part of a conversation, but what happened was that I tried to understand the conversation, and then I ended up leaving the group and finding another group. Wait. What group. I wasn't even part of it!

It's like... I suddenly feel so distant from all my cell members. Like I don't know what they're talking about. Sometimes it's about shopping... fashion... phones... all of which are irrelevant to me because I'm still a student. Think I got so much time to pursue all these things ah.

Maybe that's the consequences of deciding to join a cell group with everyone at least 6 years older than me. When they talk about uni stuff, sometimes I don't understand also. It's like... I can't find anyone to relate to my secondary school life. Like they all appear uninterested when I approach this topic.

During lunch last Sunday, I felt so horrible that I couldn't take it. I just felt outcasted. It's like... I'm being placed in a group of people who are different from me and I'm just a total stranger. I felt so horrible that I decided I should just go upstairs and stop trying to blend in.

I've been trying really really hard these few months. And I'm feeling that all my efforts are futile.

Maybe I'm just an antisocial person who can't get along with anyone. Maybe I should just stop all social activities and just be content with my little world.

Why do I feel so... left out with a group which I thought I would be able to find my sense of belonging... Haiz...

Left Alone

Today is another day when I felt really alone again...

It's just like... I've become a person who doesn't like to talk. Because I know that most of the time, when I choose to take the initiative and talk, I'll end up telling myself, "Alex, why didn't you just shut up? See what you've done? You've just talked to a wall."

Not like this happened today. But I just felt like... I didn't belong anywhere. And in church I just really felt like crying. Because I was just sitting down there, looking as if I don't mind being alone. During lunch I just felt like... I didn't belong anywhere.

I really don't know if the problem lies with me... or is it that I can't blend into a group of people at least 6 years older than me. It seems to me... that I can't blend in everywhere. Perhaps being the outcast can be really cool. Like you're just alone. Giving the blank look. Staring into space. Acting as if you don't mind being alone. Perhaps I'll look even cooler with sunglasses on.

I'm still struggling really hard with the decision about joining BB Primers. I hope that God will give me a definite answer soon.

Decision Making

I'm still stuck... dunno whether I should continue with BB Primers or not. Two nights ago, I had this dream... I believe that it is a dream sent by God... that I am in tears, saying goodbye to all my cohort mates in BB. I don't know how to interpret this dream - whether it means that I'm really gonna say goodbye, or is it that if I leave BB, I will be extremely unhappy about leaving.

Haiz. I'm still praying about it and for God to give me a clearer answer. I really can't decide, and I'm gonna leave this decision fully to God to decide for me and to lead me and guide me.

Today's Bible Study was really meaningful... about Moses answering God's calling in Exodus 4.

And I'm really thankful that today, I shared my experiences these months with someone whom I have known for 6 years. I sorta trust him, and I'm really thankful that he was a really great listening ear. Like he didn't probe me with questions and tell me to do this and do that. Sometimes all I need is a listening ear.

I'm trying to face everything around me positively. But I dunno why I just don't want to enter the BB Admin room unless I really really have to. Perhaps that is because I don't want to become a target for insults again. Haiz.

Outcasted

How does it feel like to be part of a group when you find yourself having the outcast feeling, but you have to stick to the group because you just have to?

Yesterday... I think I made the wrong decision of going for BB Admin lunch treat. I think the problem with me is that I don't learn my lessons. Last Friday I already felt so lonely during lunch after UG awards. So why did I choose to go?

I thought maybe I'd give myself a chance. That maybe I should stay on for BB Primers after all. And maybe things won't turn out that bad. But I was wrong. When I reached Vivo, it just felt like... I didn't belong to any group. I was just alone, occasionally exchanging 2-line conversations, and spending the remaining time looking around, observing the things around me, until I couldn't stand it. So I sat down and took out my earphones to pass time.

To pass time. Get it? That was how desperate I was because every moment felt like a torture. But I tried not to show my unhappiness. I tried putting on a smile.

I have been trying very hard to blend in with the cohort. I have been attending most of the gatherings so that I can get to know my cohort mates better. But seems like I'm wrong. I don't think any of them really know me well. Including someone I have known for 6 years. Like all the while, he doesn't know what I've been through these months.

Sometimes I wonder. Am I just trying to put up a brave front when deep inside I know that I feel so afraid. So insecure.

At least I'm thankful that God has answered my prayer about a spiritual buddy. I'm willing to give it a go. And I sincerely hope that it won't turn out like the last two experiences.

Oh no I've to make a decision about BB Primers soon. And although I don't hate orchestra, I don't really like orchestra either. And I've thought of joining school choir. But thinking that... Oh I can't sing. Like how many people have said that I sing well? Only a few. Not more than five, from what I remember.

Sometimes I really feel like giving up. I'm really struggling with this decision, because it will affect me for the next two years. And I want to be in a CCA which is fulfilling. I know that the aims of BB Primers would be extremely meaningful and encouraging in my walk with God, but I don't want to have to force myself to be part of a group that I don't feel a sense of belonging.

Oh what should I do...

Thanksgiving

I'm really thankful to God for His faithfulness to me... that He has carried me through this busy week in His everlasting arms! :)

Last week was really crazy. Last Tuesday and Wednesday, rehearsal ended at 10.30pm. And Thursday I had Biology coursework and IA due. So Wednesday night I actually stayed up until 2am to finish everything that I needed to do. And I'm really thankful that God has granted me strength and wisdom to organise my time well when I was desperate for time.

And Friday was UG awards. Haha. But during lunch... I don't know why. I felt left out with my BB friends. I didn't really feel outcasted but I felt that I just... couldn't blend in and no one came to me and talked to me. And now I'm having second thoughts about joining BB primers. I'm thinking... if I'm going to carry on in this environment for the next 2 years, it would be a horrible experience for me!

But if I don't join BB primers, I might have to continue Orchestra. And I really don't know about this decision. I think just let God guide lor. But Primer's application form is due soon. And I need to make up my decision fast fast. Pray that God will open up a path for me lor.

And today I managed to bring the entire hike recee to a close! Really happy and thankful that everyone was cooperative and that things went on smoothly and efficiently. Though we started off 45 minutes late, we only ended 30 minutes late. Which means that we took 15 mins less than what I had expected. Haha.

Though there are bits and pieces of unhappiness here and there... my heart is still filled with thanksgiving. Because I know that no matter what happens, He is a faithful God who guides me through every moment of my life.

I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. I'm still waiting for my prayer to be answered. But I'm not anxious. I'll just let God guide me. And let go, and let God. :)

Am I Still Important

I suddenly feel as if... I can't go up the cosine curve. I might be still going down on an inverse tangent graph... falling to negative infinity.

Just came back from a really tiring day of Orchestra. Thankful that today wasn't too bad. But I find that it's during times when it's all quiet around me that I begin to remember those unhappy stuff.

And it seems to me that I'm not needed in church anymore. Or even in church choir. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive, but that's how I feel.

No offence to anyone reading my blog... and I hope that the comment that I'm going to make won't cause major changes or anything.

On Sunday, when church choir conductor announced the people singing SATB for the Christmas song... and I'm the only one with a music background who hasn't been chosen. Of course, I don't wish that just because of this comment, changes have to be made to the namelist. I'm just stating how I feel. I've tried to console myself many times that I could be the pianist for that song, but then I thought again... if there really was a pianist for the song, then... conductor would have announced also.

Haiz. I feel like I'm just a person on standby. When the church needs me, then they fill me in as Sunday service pianist. But when all the pianists are back, it's like... they don't need me and just kick me to one side. And the church choir can do without me. I feel that I'm a failure pianist during choir practice. Conductor has so many comments to make about me compared to the other pianists... since I'm a useless pianist, and I'm not good at vocals... what's the point of having a music background? In Orchestra I'm merely an average player, if not worse than average. Haiz...

To thing I used to be the person signalling to the people on my left or right that they're singing too flat or too sharp in church choir. Now I'm just getting my desserts.

I feel really useless at times. Like I'm just there. Now the church doesn't need me anymore. And I'm beginning to feel that some people in the cell group talk to me as if I'm a child. Like they'll speak to me super politely as if they're afraid to offend me. As if there's such a big age gap.

I just feel that my life is now... super messed up. I really don't know what to do with it. It's like... in the daytime I try to put on a smile and hide my sorrows... and when no one is around at home... I'll just break down.

It just feels like... no one understands me...

New Hope

Today I cut my hair. I made it short again. Because I see my hair as a symbol for all my troubles. Once my hair is gone, so are my troubles. And I'm no longer physical weighed down by my hair, just like how I have been emotionally weighed down by my unhappy experiences and thoughts.

A brand new hairstyle. A brand new start for this new month. And I just ask God for the wisdom to handle all the challenges ahead of me.

This week is FOA week. And I still have so much to complete for Biology Coursework. And I have Orchestra rehearsals everyday. Thankfully tomorrow's rehearsal ends at 4.30pm so I still have quite a bit of time to finish up what I need to finish.

I'm so touched that one of my cell members actually passed me a book to encourage me. I won't have time to start reading this week though. But after this Friday... I'm gonna start reading. I hope that this book can save me out of this whirlpool.

I'm drowning in this whirlpool. But I'm trying my best to stay afloat. Situations in the classroom will not be easy to handle when pertaining to the emotional aspect. If I've to be a quiet person, then I guess I shall be a quiet person ba. Rather than talking to myself and cracking jokes to myself and eventually end up as an emo person.

I hope I can find the encouragement that I need.

I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. And I'm hoping that God will answer my prayer soon. I trust that God has His plans for me.