Some Reflections

I think that given time to quieten myself down and set myself right again, I would be able to respond better emotionally to all the situations around me...

I realise that in church, no matter how busy I am, I should learn to see every act of serving in church as an opportunity to serve Him as an offering... and not to complain so much. I may be frustrated... but I think all I need to do is just to focus on my exam preparations to the best of my abilities. If I can't concentrate, then... I'll leave my books for the time being, or just study as much as I can lor. What to do. Haha.

Honestly, I'm starting to think whether I made the right decision in joining BB Primers, because... the fact that I'm trying to get President's Award means that almost half of my year end holidays would be gone. 9 days of SGB (which is really crazy), and one training date, and 2 BB camps. Really really really driving me crazy. And not forgetting Primer's Challenge. I hope I can do my Primer's Challenge next year instead so this year I won't be so busy... and mainly because I already signed up for church camp. And Primer Challenge clashes with church camp so... yeah.

And I'm starting to think... what's my purpose in joining Primers? If I think that running for Presidents is not what I really want and eventually I feel like pulling out... I think I will. I joined Primers mainly because I want to have a chance to serve my juniors, do something for them... it's just this responsibility that I feel is within me...

Did I make a wrong choice in deciding to run for President's? I really don't know. Right now I'm just really confused. I have a lot of catching up to do. It's just this emptiness that I feel is within me again...

It's just this feeling that I want to get my exams over and done with. But then again I need to do well... anyway, once my exams are over, hopefully I'll have time to quieten and get my emotions and mentality right again...

And Orchestra is another thing. Perhaps next year I won't play SYF... November there'll be a mini-concert, which means there'll be rehearsals, and in this midst of all this I have BB MCYC camp, BB stuff to settle and handle... I want my holidays please. I don't need all these external pressures. Why should I be so hard on myself? For the past few months I've already been really emotionally hard on myself... I did have a lot of misbeliefs, but within these misbeliefs there are elements of truths that I can't run away from.

And when there's time to quieten down after exams, it's the time when all these unhappy experience surface themselves in my memory. I needa distract myself. Find something to do. So I won't keep on getting distracted and spoil my mood.

Oh well. Back to Bio. Still have 9 chapters to go. And that's just my first round of studying. And of course, during first round, sure cannot remember most of the stuff one. Haiz.

Emptiness

Yesterday, that feeling came back again... when I was in the school library, and after doing Math for a while, my friend found this book, and I just opened the book and started reading a random page... but the content of what I read just evoked a lot of emotions. And the emo feeling just came back all of a sudden. I know that at this point in time, I shouldn't be feeling this way. But I just suddenly feel as if... I lose my sense of security.

And now I'm really really at a loss. I may not be in the best physical state, but I'm in a rather bad mental state. Because I really don't have the concentration to really sit down and study. Every time I study I fight to stay awake. When did I become so lazy when it comes to studying? What has happened to me?

As I was sick last weekend, right now I'm really behind in my preparations for my exam. And tomorrow I'm church pianist. And I'm not too familiar with the Bible verses that I need to recite tomorrow. It just feels like... everything is just being thrown to me... all these responsibilities... when what I really need now is time. Time to set my emotions right again. Time to get my mental state right. And time to catch up on what I am lagging behind.

And now I'm stuck with my POD essay on "The Good Life". It is supposed to be a topic when I should have a lot to write about. But now my mind is blank. I can't craft out my points, much less find examples to substantiate these points. And I know I need to get it done today. Because if I don't, I would have to leave it till tomorrow, and I will definitely have not enough time to study. I plan to finish covering the entire Biology syllabus by tomorrow, and I still have so many chapters to studying. I just feel so lazy whenever I take out my Biology textbook, fighting to stay awake...

And now I'm feeling so empty. It just feels like... I'm missing something. And this emptiness sometimes leads to frustration... like I just wanna find something to vent out my frustration because I'm not getting anything done! I'm not making the most out of my time! And I can't focus on my studies and complete everything that I need to complete!!!

And earlier in the day I just received an email about sharing devotionals to the small group in church... and I have this feeling of... why must tell me only now... it just feels like... I've so much to do and yet I still cannot focus on what I need to get done...

And I still need to get my emotions right again. I know how to put everything behind, but what I do not know how to do is to face my emotions when they're evoked again. It makes me feel like I'm not smiling from the bottom of my heart. And deep inside I know I just want to find a quiet place, a place where I can do whatever I want do, and that I do not need to conform...

Exams

Finally I am typing a post... haven't typed one for almost 2 weeks haha...

Just recovered from a rather major illness... last Thursday I got fever, then I didn't go to school on Thursday and Friday, and didn't go to church on Friday and Sunday. And every time I am so happy that my fever has gone down, it comes back up again. And even on Sunday midnight, I still had fever.

After school on Monday, dad brought me to see Chinese doctor, and now I'm so much better. My fever went down on that day itself, and my sore throat as well. Now just a bit of cough left to tackle... so I'm pretty thankful that I have recovered so much!!!

From this illness, I finally cherish my health a lot, and I know that I needa drink lots of water, especially when the weather is really really bad. It's like... you can hear thunder when the skies are blue. Which is really freaky.

And I'm really behind for my final year exam preparations. Medicine making me super sleepy. And although I make it a point to have lots of sleep, I'm still very sleepy. Haiz. Yesterday fell asleep a few times while studying. Which isn't good, especially when I still have a lot to study.

So I still have a lot to chiong... Haiz...

Fruitful Holidays

Today I started reading the Book of Psalms for my QT... and first six Psalms already spoke to me a lot... That I know that whenever I am sad or depressed, and when I run to Him, He will welcome me with everlasting arms and I will be able to rejoice in Him!

I finally finished my Chemistry... my last bit of my holiday homework! But that is just one part of what I have to do haha... actually I have yet to start on the other part of my "holiday homework", which is preparing for my Final Year exam. I told myself I needa get started on mugging. And yes I will get started tomorrow!

Holidays are almost over. And I'm so happy that the Book of Psalms help me set my heart right with God again, to let Him take control of everything that I am unwilling to let go. It is always not easy to let go and let God, but it's a gradual process... that bit by bit we all learn to let go of what we have and let God. See, when I let God take control of my emotions, I become a much more open person! Haha although there are still people who make fun of me, but I won't take it too seriously. Haha. Why bother ruining my own mood? Lol!

Today I woke up with a bad nose again. Monday my nose was bad. And today it's bad. Though not as bad as Monday, but still bad. Monday my nose was running away from me. And I had to chase after my nose with tissue paper. I used up half the box on Monday. Today was runny nose on the right side of my nose, and the left side of my nose was blocked. That's why I played very very badly during piano lesson today. Really couldn't get a good grasp of the rhythm of the pieces I was playing and so I couldn't "feel" the piece. Really off-form today. What to do. Guess I was really affected by my nose.

Today didn't go cell group partially because of my nose. My nose just make me feel... tired. And to think that I still had to drag myself to complete my assignments. And today my dad came back late because he brought my siblings to go out with my cousins to Hort Park. And because of piano lesson I couldn't go. Well, perhaps a little exercise would have made my nose feel less blocked and less "hyper" by running away from me. I that scary meh. Now my nose scared of me also. Haha. So they all came back late. Usually my dad would send me to church, but today he only came home at I think 7+. And I haven't had dinner yet. Was still trying to chiong finish my last Chemistry assignment.

Feeling really remorseful for not going... Like deep inside I don't feel good about it. Guess it's the Holy Spirit speaking to me...

Tomorrow morning I going to rehearse MEP Practical with my friend. His MEP Practical. I quit MEP 3.5 years ago haha. So I'm his accompaniment. And honestly I didn't practise much. And I hope to do a good job. His prelims this week so pray for us yea...

Hope tomorrow I won't wake up with a "hyper" nose or a blocked nose. Haha.

Birthday

Yesterday I turned 16. Haha forgot to write a post yesterday so might as well do it right now. Haha happy belated birthday to me lmao...

It feels... old to be 16. Like I can't laugh at people and tell them hahaha I'm younger than you cos you're 16 and I'm 15. I can't do that anymore. I'll have to wait till next year. Lol.

Haiz yesterday I felt really happy cos my class actually sang happy birthday to me. It just makes your heart feel warm again... And having people wish you happy birthday is just... it just shows that you're loved by so many ppl haha...

I'm officially "4-squared" years old. Not that young anymore. Nonono. But young at heart of course. Haha. Today my cell group just celebrated my birthday for me :) The chocolate cake was really nice... and the presents :D Thx to all the people in my cell group! :)

My prayer is that... as I turn 16, I'll be more mature, and I'll be able to be a blessing to more people... and to strive to please God in whatever I do! :D