Primers' Challenge

I really thank God for Primers' Challenge. I thank God from the bottom of my heart.

I thank God for letting me experience kampong conditions. Because it is through these conditions that I learn to appreciate what I have and not to take things for granted. And also through these conditions, I am able to better appreciate the natural world that God has created!

I thank God for the new friends, new bonds, and the experiences. Waterfall abseil, white water rafting, wet and dry caving... all these are new experiences for me! Though they're physically demanding... but that's the point right? Haha it's called a 'challenge' for a reason. Lol.

And these memories are enough to last me a lifetime! :) Thank God for giving me the courage, determination and enthusiasm while participating in these activities! And thank God that my stomach didn't give me any problems so I can just enjoy the activities! :)

And oh today for lunch... A&W! :)

Finished packing for church camp already. Haha. I just want to look forward to church camp with a prayerful heart. To serve. To worship. And to just be with Him. To spend time with God. And to seek Him.

Last night, during worship, I felt God speaking to me. And God told me to let go. To let go of all my worries and problems. And to just commit everything into His everlasting arms! :) And last night I was really touched during worship... and I just cried while singing Amazing Grace...

And oh before I forget. I love these trips when there are no family members. It's the only time I can spam chips. And that's what I did. Haha. Tomorrow if I've the chance I'm gonna spam also. I love chips. I'm addicted to the BBQ flavour one. :)

So... I'm gonna sleep soon. Really really tired. Honestly I didn't sleep that much on my return journey so... yea. Hopefully tomorrow on the bus I can catch up on sleep then. :) Good night!

Merry Christmas!

Here's wishing everyone a very merry and blessed Christmas! May we constantly be reminded of God's love, especially on this day... when we remember how He sent His Son to come to earth to die for our sins... all because our Father loves us...

And I'm wondering why... there are a few of my friends who do not wish to celebrate Christmas. And I was thinking... why? Because we're too affected by our emotions? Again... is OUR emotions. OUR. Self-centredness again... when we should be focusing on God all the time...

My Christmas was... good :) Was invited to attend a service at Oasis, and right now I feel that I should have gone... would have made my Christmas much more meaningful. But well, morning I was at home since there's no service today. I was finishing up my Christmas cards... and it was a really good time of silence, when I can think through what I really want to say, and to (hopefully) be an encouragement to my close friends through the content of the cards...

And regarding the rest of the day... I'll just summarise it into playing table-tennis and buying a new school bag for next year. Because I don't wanna focus on these details today.

Primers' Challenge tomorrow!!! At first I was really anxious and nervous about it... and I got even more stressed when my mum kept reminding me to keep my passport well... and asking a lot of "what ifs". I know she's concerned about me... and of course I don't blame her! But yea it did stress me up...

But after QT and praying... I feel so much better now. Because I know I'm safe in God's arms. Suddenly reminded of the hymn titled "God will take care of you"... right now, I'm actually really looking forward to tomorrow! Because I know it's going to be a new experience for me! And yea I really hope to experience Primers' Challenge with a prayerful heart... not just to have fellowship, but to continue to stay close to Him, and glorify Him in all that I do!

So yea will update more when I get back on Wednesday! Gosh when I'm back on Wednesday immediately gotta start packing for church camp haha! I'll definitely be busy... but it's gonna be a meaningful and memorable (hopefully) week for me ahead! Haha!

Disappointment

Today was a day filled with disappointments...

First was I woke up in a really really bad mood. Because... today's just not my day I guess. And the ping pong session this morning... didn't exist. So I just stayed at home. And did more Math.

And then my brother didn't know how to do his Math... and he wasn't paying attention and putting in effort when I taught him. Dunno why... but I just got really pissed off and I shouted at him... and he cried... and I was like please I didn't hit you all I did was just scold you for not concentrating and...

Afternoon was slightly better I guess. Went to play ping pong with my siblings so... guess I compensated for this morning's supposed arrangement. And then I stretched to retrieve the ball and... I used my left knee again. Ouch. Three times liao. Zzz.

Then at night went to practise piano. Thought piano will cheer me up a little since I'm not in a good mood... but I screwed up all my scales like crazy... and the piece that I used to be able to play gracefully... I totally screwed it up and I couldn't stand it anymore cos my music was so horrible I closed my piano before I finished the piece. So yea.

And then I received a phone call saying that tomorrow's evangelism thingy at my church for my group would be cancelled... it was something that I was looking forward too... but on my part the people that I asked couldn't make it also.

So yea my day was disappointing.

But at least in my dictionary... disappointment doesn't equate to despair and helplessness. I still have God. He sees me through the seasons...

Guess it was just a bad day. Doesn't mean that after I picked myself up from last week means that there are no roller coasters in my emotional calendar. Today's... just not my day.

Cuz you had a bad day... you're taking one down... you sing a sad song just to turn it around...

Aches

Haha relax... what I mean by aches is... body ache haha!

Guess I didn't sleep properly last night... maybe I tossed and turned a bit too much :( So I woke up with aches in my neck and my right shoulder. Was very very bad in the morning... but now I'm feeling much better. Though the aches are still there... oh I need a shoulder massage... Hahaha!

Today was okay. Just like the other two days. But I did something quite special this morning. Haha I went to do Math. I had to make sure I don't forget my Sec 4 Math so yea I went to do Math. Yea and surprisingly I remembered most of my stuff. Haha congratulations to me :)

Afternoon went to play table-tennis again. AGAIN. Haha. My favourite sport... nothing wrong with pursuing it what. Haha. Dunno why but today I just felt more serious. Lol! So yea in a sense since I played more seriously, I'm more emotional while I play hahahaha!

Really looking forward to the table-tennis session tomorrow morning. Haha hope the people who like to hang their bird cages at the table won't be there tomorrow. If not hafta chase them away lol!

Yesterday I started on the book of Jeremiah... read the synopsis of the book and really encouraged by how Jeremiah stood firm in the Lord although he was rejected by the people around Him and the world. Like no one listened to his prophecies etc...

And I haven't found my teddy bear's eye. Poor teddy... :'(

Thanksgiving

Today has been a really great day... and I thank God for it! Actually, everyday's a great day... it just depends on whether I realise it or not. Haha.

I thank God for opening my eyes, so that I can come back to Him again. To be still, and know that He is God. And also to acknowledge Him as the Lord of my life!

Today I went on a long long run. Haha. From my house (in Ghim Moh), all the way to Holland Road, then to Farrer Road, then turn into Bukit Timah, then turn into Ngee An Poly, then all the way to Dover MRT, then back home. Haha. Hmm I'm not sure exactly what was the distance I ran but... Haha I thought it was more than 12km! And if it really is... then I broke my personal best :) And I really thank God for this run... that I am able to run. And during QT I just thought of the people who were less fortunate than me... and I did something really special... to pray for them. That God's presence would be there to comfort them... for all we need in our life is simply Him.

Was quite shack when I got home. But afternoon still went to play table-tennis. But could feel that I was tired. Physically tired... like my stamina running low. I suppose I drained most of it during my run haha!

And oh yesterday I forgot to mention that my teddy bear's eye dropped out. And I can't find his eye. My poor teddy... so sad... lost one eye... I feel so sorry for my teddy... Looks really cute... even without the eye haha :)

Hmm thanksgiving is something that I needa learn. To give thanks in all situations, regardless of whether they may seem good or bad... because I know that ultimately God only has plans to prosper me! :)

Praise the Lord!

Smiles

Haha one thing about me... I try to avoid using the same post title twice. Yea there was a post titled "smile" so I added an extra 's' to my title. Haha. The word smiles... depends on how you look at it actually. It's quite interesting. Smile can mean... I only smiled once today... but it can also mean that I never stopped smiling! But smiles can mean... I smiled many times, but it can also mean that I stopped smiling. But no I was never in a bad mood! The word 'smiles' simply means that I don't want to repeat my post title. Haha.

Today was... fun! :) Followed grandma to the bank, so couldn't go for the run that I wanted. I really wanted to test out my waterproof earphones. Only cost RM 15 so wanted to see if those earphones really really work or whether it was just a scam. Haha. Hope I can go for my run tomorrow. Really excited whether... the music would turn out different??? I hope it doesn't. If not then RM 15 down the drain. Haha.

Afternoon went to play badminton. So finally no table-tennis for one day. Dunno why I use the word finally but... haha! After not playing badminton for so long... my strokes all rusty liao. Missed simple smashes and the like. But after a while managed to get back my feel for the racket and the shuttlecock haha! But one thing I realised about me when it comes to racket sports... my backhand more consistent. Haha. At least I didn't lose much form when I executed backhand strokes.

So today was a rather meaningful day haha! In a sense that... I enjoyed my day, and I didn't think negative thoughts... I kept myself happy :) And it just feels so different when I open myself up to God, because I am more able to concentrate on my tasks at hand... and also to focus on Him.

And I really thank God for His graciousness. Cos He gave me the concentration that I need haha! I finished quite a lot of important stuff these 2 days. Stuff like... Primers Challenge forms and related stuff, my reflections for my BB SG duty (haha though I had to edit it into something really different eventually), and typing out a score for the supposed church camp theme song! Hmm I'm so happy... cos I see this assignment to type out the score for the church camp theme song as a way of my offering to God! It's one small thing amongst the many many other things that I can do for God though.

But yea this week would be a mini-break for me. I'm really looking forward to Saturday... the mini evangelism session in church. Though the friend that I tried to invite can't make it... I'll see if I can invite my cousins :) And next week would be really really really really busy... Primers' Challenge and church camp! I'm pianist for 2 of the P&W sessions so really thank God for this chance to serve... and I hope that I can do better. Not so much technically, but more of... feeling the link to God while I'm serving, now that I'm on the right track and I've gotten back the focus that I need.

Haha that's all for now! Don't wanna run out of stuff to type tomorrow lol!

Lord, I'm Back

Finally got my thoughts straightened out... and my emotions as well...

For the entire of today, I felt the peace that I haven't been feeling for the past few days. And I know that this peace that I feel comes from God... because I have opened up my heart to Him, and let Him guide, and to just live my life for Him, and rejoice and be glad in the day that He has made!

Remember about three weeks back... the bus ride that made me want to place God as the top priority in my life? The sad thing is... I haven't been doing that. All these while. I've just been focusing on myself, and I forgot my identity - that I am His child, His beloved son... and that He's my Father...

To put things bluntly, I saw myself being extremely arrogant the past few days. Why? Because I only saw the flaws in others... and I failed to see the flaws in myself. During my time of reflection in Malacca, I realised that all my reflections revolved around myself, and I began to lose focus of God... and that explains the nonsense blog posts that I typed when I came back from Malacca. Haha.

But I'm back. It feels so good to commit myself to Him again... and to know that I belong to Him. My sense of belonging should not revolve around people... all I need is to know that my sense of belonging comes from Him. That I am His. And when I mean that I belong to Him, it means that I surrender my life to Him, and let Him mould me, and guide me.

And in Him, I will never feel tired again. Never emotionally tired. Because I can always draw strength from Him! God is just a prayer away... and I can come before Him wherever and whenever. He's always there for me... but was I always there for Him?

This verse really inspired me during my QT today...

Isaiah 64: 8 says,

"And yet, Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay, and You are the potter. We are all formed by Your hand."

So what I'm gonna do is... I'm gonna let go of things. I need not worry about my relationships with people... because God will take care of them. All I need to do is to let go and let God. To simply trust in the Lord, and not lean on my own understanding, and when I do so, He will make my paths straight!

Lord, I'm back! Make me Yours forever!

Smashed and Shattered

Today was quite an okay day for me... Sunday special Christmas service, then lunch with cell mates, then home.

Honestly I'm feeling really shattered inside. I feel like... I'm losing my grip on my friends. People. Friendship. Relationships.

And right now I don't hope for much. I may be taking the initiative to start a conversation, but I don't hope for any reply. I may send out an sms of concern for the other person, but I don't hope for any reply. Why? Because the greater my hope is, the greater my disappointment.

What I mean in this sense is... hoping in people. My hope for God will never diminish no matter how unpromising situations are.

But I'm really thankful for the sharing with my spiritual mentor today... though it was just a short sharing while walking to buy food and walking back from buying food.

My entire afternoon was just... feeling like crap when I got home. Even when I went downstairs to play table tennis. I was just super distracted and couldn't focus on the game. Though I won most of the sets but still... I could feel that I was not myself. It was just... my reflexes that saved me those points but I didn't play with strategy cos I was too distracted. I was merely waiting for my opponent to make mistakes.

Perhaps God just wants to shatter me... so that He can mould me into someone new? But this process is really really painful... and it even drives me to breaking down. Like last night. I couldn't take it anymore. So it was another night when I cried myself to sleep.

I'm trying so hard to hold on to the close friendships that I have. And I feel most of them slipping away. Why? Why? Why! Why do people not reciprocate the efforts that I put in?! Sometimes I sms people... hoping for a reply... and when there's no reply... I sms again... and there's no reply... and now I learnt my lesson.

To just give up. Completely give up. Give up hope. When there's no hope there'll be no disappointment. Cos when there's no hope things just can't get any worse.

And sometimes people just give me hope... only to shatter it again... help me up, only to push me down much further... and now I have to stand up. I have to find a way to stand up. To stand up before school reopens. And I want to stand up. But I do not dare hope that someone will be there to help me up again. Because I don't want more disappointments.

Thank you to all those who have tried to help me up. Although some of you have pushed me down again... but thanks for the small duration of hope you all have given me.

Back

Finally back from Malacca after a 7-day trip :)

I won't really wanna say much about what happened during these 7 days... I'll just summarize them into one paragraph...

I bought new shirts, a new pair of slippers, new shorts... and finally waterproof earphones! Finally I have nice earphones for running so I won't feel so bored or easily tired :) And yea I did a lot of thinking.

And I realised that all these while...

I hope in people, only to receive disappointments...

I trust people, only to receive betrayals...

And throughout this year... is when two of my most important friendships, or rather, relationships, crashed. Although this year I've tried my best to be really tolerant. And to really put in effort in sustaining friendships.

But no matter how much I put in... some of them feels really really one-sided...

I really don't wanna be so one-sided up to the point when people find me irritating. But then again, sometimes if I don't take initiative, I'm just afraid that the friendship may just crumble.

And regarding last Saturday's incident... I've thought it through. I won't wanna take the initiative to approach my "friend". I don't exactly know the reason myself... but maybe because I'm tired? If he didn't trust me enough to give me the chance to explain myself, and if he doesn't have enough faith in this friendship that I would be such a hypocritical person, then forget it. There's no point salvaging this friendship.

Perhaps another reason is that... I don't have the courage to approach him... Because this side of me could be a side that he would have never imagined to exist? But then again as a friend... a close friend... I thought he would stand by me, and be able to put himself into my shoes to understand what I was going through at that point in time...

I have got most of my thinking straightened out. What my next hurdle will be... is meeting people. Tomorrow would be a challenge for me. Because there's Sunday service and I'm gonna meet people. People who have access to my blog. And I am beginning to question myself about the previous blog post... perhaps I shouldn't have written this post? I don't want to be bombarded with questions... questions that I'm still not prepared to answer.

I'm really afraid. Every time I'm reminded of what happened last Saturday, my mood just goes downhill...

And I'm really afraid that my friendships are going to crumble as well. I'm trying my best... putting in effort... but then again not everyone reciprocates the effort that I put in.

I'm really tired. Tired from the recent event. Tired from the entire year's disappointments and setbacks. I don't know how I'm going to stand up and be the Alex that I used to be. But I know that I have to stand up before school reopens. I still have 1 more month to stand up. And I really hope that it's not me trying so hard and struggling so hard to stand up. I hope it's gonna be someone who's willing to help me stand up.

Tearing Apart

Yesterday... I did try to be optimistic... but I couldn't and I didn't.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. It was just so bad that... the journey back home on the bus for me was the most terrible bus rides that I ever had... The betrayal of 6 years of friendship... that judgmental stare... that sudden feeling of nakedness and exposure... it just feels like I was being robbed of one of the most important treasures of my life...

One of my closest friends. Known him for 6 years. Used to share some of my personal problems with him. And yesterday... that 6 years of rapport and friendship... came to an end. Not sure about his side. But I no longer trust him enough to consider him as a friend. And as I'm writing this blog post... I'm tearing. I'm just gonna let my emotions... flow freely. No point bottling it all up. I thought that an entire night of sleep would do me some good. But I'm waking up feeling worse than before...

It happened like this... I'll just briefly go through it... I actually made a wrong decision in Sec 1. And that became the turning point of my life. My spiritual life started going downwards. I wasn't serious about God. But when I became serious about Him, I tried my best to change my life... and at this point in time I would say that I managed to get myself back on the right track with God again. Before this incident happened... I was really thankful for all these. In fact I am still thankful for it right now. I'm thankful that God has accepted me again. I'm thankful for His forgiveness and patience in waiting for me to turn back...

But yesterday... when it was supposed to be a casual conversation with an officer and this "friend" was listening as well... I was just being "dug out" and... this wrong decision that I made... was made known. At least to the two of them. The officer didn't take it seriously and said that it's normal for people to make this wrong decision... but at least to me it's not normal... and the judgmental stare from him... eyes wide... mouth agape... and he walked away without giving me a chance to explain myself.

This wrong decision was one of the deepest secrets that I have buried deep inside of me. And I only shared it with my second "spiritual buddy". But now that we have ceased to share this special relationship... And now someone who seemed so close to me... knows about it. These two years I didn't share it with him because I knew he would respond this way. But now he knows about it... and... I just feel like I'm gonna tear apart. After he walked away yesterday with the surprised expression... all I can do is hope that he will keep it a secret for me. And regarding the point of whether he will actually keep it a secret... I dare not hope much given his personality.

Right at this point in time... I'm feeling so afraid. I no longer have the courage to meet up with my BB friends; although they were not present at the conversation, but they were present for the car flag-off yesterday. And this "friend" of mine... I really don't know whether he'll keep it a secret for me. And I'm actually beginning to feel thankful for this holiday. Thankful that I can stay away from the people that I know. That I can just stay away from all my friends.

And yesterday's entire experience just felt like it was a total nightmare for me. And right now I'm having such a poor mental state that I still cannot believe that what happened yesterday really happened.

I hope that during this eight days, I can clear up some of my emotions and straighten my thoughts... and get back a little bit of courage to meet up with people again. But right now I just want to be away. Because I need to be away.

If only he had given me a chance to explain myself. If only he had been enough of a friend... to stand beside me and encourage me when I needed encouragement the most.

Yesterday, all my courage... was destroyed...

Oh God... Please help me... I need You now...

Reflection

Yay! I finally finished my 5-day-shift at BB HQ! These 5 days were good... in a sense that I'm occupied and that I know I'm doing something meaningful. Really thankful to God because although there were problems here and there... but these problems were solved and things managed to proceed smoothly!

But it's during those times when I'm less occupied... that those depressing thoughts start to come in. The feeling of... aloneness. And sometimes the feeling that I get is... that of giving up. Of course I'm not giving up on my faith! What I mean is... giving up on the hope that I'll have a friend who's really close to me... and to seal up this aloneness.

One more day to going overseas. And for this remaining day... I'll try to look at it with a positive point of view. To try to face the day with thanksgiving instead of pessimism. But somehow this emptiness is still present within me...

Oh I really needa get some thinking done. Needa really sit down and reflect... especially about my relationship with my cell members. Honestly, I don't feel close to any of them. Like even putting an arm around my cell mate's shoulder... I need a lot a lot a lot of courage. Because the gap is just there. And it can be really difficult to try to relate to people that are on average eight years older than me...

Feel like I need another run. One that won't get me lost hahaha. One that helps me to sort out my thinking instead. But oh well no time to run tomorrow. I mean today. Morning till evening will be BB car flag-off. I dunno if I'm going down to Oasis for the Christmas event. I'll see what time the flag-off ends then decide... but if I'm not going to Oasis I'll probably go for a run. Although I'm really really tired already but I don't care. Haha.

Really mentally and physically tired. Shack.

Downhill

BB SG these two days were really challenging days... but they were fun :) Generally boys were quite cooperative... and we managed to get things done efficiently!

But during moments when I am alone... and I reflect... somehow I just feel so alone... the loneliness just crept in and made me feel really really empty. It's the feeling of... when I feel that it's just me alone. And when I'm really longing for someone... someone who understands me... and someone who knows me... and someone who really cares for me...

And when it comes to the above aspects... I then realise that there is no one whom I'm really close to. Most of the time... it's just me alone facing my emotions. And there's just... no one to put an arm around my shoulder... not even the people whom I thought were closer to me.

I haven't forgotten my resolutions about letting go and trusting in God. It's not that I don't wanna take initiative to really being the extrovert one and care for others... but it's more of the fact that I'm really really really really very very very tired. And I know I'm going downhill. Emotionally downhill. When it comes to these kinda things... somehow I just feel that if I decide to let someone else take the initiative... I'll just be left alone.

Alone. That's how I'm feeling right at this very moment. But who will be willing to put his arm around my shoulder?

Share-a-Gift

Haha today... wait. I mean yesterday. Haha (since it's already past midnight). Yesterday was my first day of my five-day-shift. And though it was really challenging in a lot of ways... I believe I must always reflect on it with a heart of thanksgiving!

First I really want to thank God that I can get a chance to do something for the greater good! :) Though I'm only involved in bringing these food items to the beneficiaries in a much indirect way, I'm still really thankful that through my little efforts here and there... I can be a blessing unto others!

The boys at HQ today managed to get things done, though I would really say that they could have performed much better haha! But no matter how wonderful or marvelous a person is... there's always room for improvement because no man is perfect... there are many times which we all had to shout so that we could get things done... and reflecting upon this... Haha today onwards I'll try to communicate more with the boys so that I can strike a balance yea :)

And today I'm gonna camp overnight at HQ! Haha I suppose it's gonna be really fun cos my friend's gonna bring his guitar and we can sing till 3am and no one really cares. Haha!

Looking forward to my duty later on in the day... cos I believe God has greater plans for me! Haha and oh btw learning new stuff yesterday was really fun as well. Learning stuff from the warehouse i/c that was one shift before mine. So yea you can guess that I'm warehouse i/c. Haha! :)

Brand New Week

It's a brand new week... a week that the Lord has made... and let us all rejoice and be glad in it!

Haha for today's post... no negative or emo comments. Everything will be kept lively, and positive, and encouraging! Yay!

JLPT was not too bad I suppose. Haha. Feel much lighter now that it's all over hahaha! And the results... I'll leave everything to God ba. No point worrying. Why? Because worrying can be described as a cycle... a cycle that is so difficult to break out from... haha just like the circumference of a circle. And since a circle has no points, worrying has no points as well. Therefore, there's no point worrying. Lmao.

After JLPT went for a quick bite. I had wanted to sit down for a nice long meal. But realised I don't have cash!!! So I had toast. It wasn't exactly filling... but filling enough to not make me feel hungry. Haha. Then went back for choir. Won't go into details... but I would say that generally choir was okay. :)

Lots of good food at grandma's belated birthday celebration. Felt really awkward meeting relatives though. Probably cos I'm not really close to them. Just feel like... a gathering of acquaintances. Pardon me for bad grammar or vocab... but yea you get what I mean. Haha.

Tomorrow would mark the beginning of my 6-days-in-a-row-of-BB-SG-duties. Or rather. Today morning. Hahaha. First would be the stay-at-the-warehouse-for-five-days-shift, followed by the flag-off-a-car-shift. Hmm. I hope to face this week ahead with a prayerful heart. And to feel excited about it. Because I want to be a blessing unto others. To those not as fortunate as me. We love, because He first loved us... and I just pray that I can look forward to these days of duties with a heart of thanksgiving and service! :)

May God continue to light the path ahead of me, and continue to be my source of strength and guidance!

Roller Coaster

To think that yesterday I happily concluded the day thinking that I don't need to be down for my PAA key event for BB Share-a-Gift.

I check my entire email inbox for a notification about today's supposed event. But I forgot about my handphone. And today... while eating lunch at Burger King, I found the notification on my phone that was sent close to 3 weeks ago.

How smart I am la. First I get lost while going on a run. And now this. Haiz at that point in time I just felt... really really stupid. Like how I can't get things right... and I seem to screw up stuff all the time. Somehow or rather... I seem to mess up whatever I'm involved in.

So what could I do? Of course sms HQ lor... so HQ asked me to make up on the 11th and I said okay. Although I was going overseas on the 11th. But yea I thought I could push back my Malacca trip by one day. And I thought things were settled and so I went to Oasis in an okay mood thinking everything will be fine...

And what happened when I got home? Everybody directing their remarks at me. For being forgetful. Being blur. Like I'm feeling so happy about forgetting my duty. It's not that I'm irresponsible... it's honestly a slip of my mind. If I had discovered the sms last night, today I would have definitely gone for the key event. Haiz...

Initially my parents actually don't want to change date for Malacca trip. But 11th is the only day I can make up right?! There are no other dates available already!!! It's like... I suddenly felt that I had no way out... like I was being trapped in a corner... so I told my parents... it's either my mum and I book 2 tickets for 12 December, or I don't go. Honestly. I don't feel like going overseas. Like what I've been saying, what I need is a break, not a holiday. Not some fancy fancy overseas trip... but just to have time to be still and reflect.

Eventually my parents still budged and my dad said he'll book 2 tickets for 12 December. Though I would still prefer to stay in Singapore. But I'm still super super pissed off at myself... if only I had been more thorough last night... maybe all these wouldn't have happened. If only... I had been more organised to jot down reminders when I immediately got the sms... Haiz WHY AM I SO BLUR!!!

On a higher note... I thank God for today's time at Oasis... impromptu worship band haha! Impromptu keyboardist... practising the songs 1 hour before the actual worship... but I suppose worship went well... no major screw ups at least haha. And the thanksgiving session as well... seriously when the mike was directed at me, I wasn't prepared for that at all! Like... all of a sudden I didn't know what do say because I didn't phrase my thoughts properly before that.

Haha but now I'll "deliver" my official thanksgiving speech. Now that I have the time to think through and phrase my thoughts properly... I really thank God for the camp from the bottom of my heart. I thank God for my activity group, and for my family group... and for knowing David and Jed. Especially David :) Haha though didn't get a chance to talk to him at the camp, but yea I really hope this friendship can last for a lifetime :) You have really encouraged me a lot! :)

I still need time to adjust to my new specs. I look really really weird in specs. Maybe too used to seeing myself without specs for 3 years already. Haha. But yea I just need time to get used to specs I suppose. It's like... a completely new lifestyle already haha! And having to learn how to take care of my specs... everything...

Wow things are like going on a roller coaster. It's like... so many things are happening at the same time. And I just feel so out of breath. Like I just can't catch up with the pace of my life. That's why I want a break. A holiday, to me, won't actually slow down this pace of life and give me time to catch my breath!

Sigh tomorrow is my JLPT liao. Zzz. Feeling quite nervous about it. But I told God I'm just going to commit everything to Him. If I pass... haha that's good. If I fail... haha I won't be too hard on myself. Passing or failing don't mean much to me haha. Not to say that I'm not gonna take this seriously though... Haha :) But no matter how difficult the test may be tomorrow... Haha I'll be sure to walk out of the exam centre with a smile because I know that He only has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me! :)

God Touches Lives

Today's bus trip back from cell has been a transforming one... I won't say that the experience was overwhelming, but it's really amazing how God has inspired me to reflect upon so much during this single bus trip. Haha.

I was listening to the song "My Jesus, My Saviour", and I thought of how we often do not mean what we sing. Like even during worship, we might just be singing for the sake of singing... and we do not even ponder upon the meaning of the lyrics...

"Nothing compares to the promise I have in you..." how often do I sing that... but never actually mean what I sing? That single line of lyrics really really made me think a lot... about how God actually wasn't really the top priority in my life... and that there are actually so many distractions along the way...

And somehow... I just suddenly experienced this peace in my heart that I have never experienced for so long. That all I need to do is to trust God with my life. To completely let go and let God. Not to say that I'm going to let go and then worry about tomorrow... and emo... but... to just really really let go.

And I want to remove all these distractions in my life. So that I can just focus on Him.

And I need to learn how to be humble. God gave me gifts and talents for a purpose. And I know that I want to do stuff for God. And when I mean putting God as my no. 1 priority... it means that I'm not doing all these stuff for myself. But for God alone. To learn to serve Him better. And to just break this alabaster jar at His feet, even though it's all that I have of worth...

God's Love For Us

Lost

Today morning seemed like a good time to go for a run. But to me it wasn't a run. It was... about getting lost and finding my way home!

Haha to be honest I found myself quite stupid this morning. Going for a run without water bottle, money and handphone. I didn't think too much cos... the times that I ran 12km, I survived without all these. So yea. Thought history would repeat itself.

True enough, I survived, but the experience wasn't that nice haha. What I had planned to do was to run to Bukit Timah and loop back home through Farrer Road. But i. got. thirsty. And I had no money, no handphone. So can't call home for help. Haha. I tried to act smart by cutting through private estates to get home quickly... but then I got lost. Lol!

So it was... around 45 minutes trying to figure my way out? I suppose I only managed to find my way out because I asked for directions. But it was really tiring. Walking up-slope and down-slope again and again. Haiz. Who can I blame but myself. Haha.

Today went well. Another happy day. Though I couldn't manage to settle a lot of my thoughts and emotions during the run... I suppose the run made me tired enough to not think of anything upsetting!

Went to see optician in the afternoon. i. need. specs. haha. Astigmatism in left eye got worse. Asked for frameless specs because I want to try something different. And the specs provided UV protection so haha worth getting one :)

But when I think of tomorrow... it just makes me feel so uncertain. Because tmr night there's cell. I don't know why but I just feel... so afraid. I don't want to feel left out... it's like everyone is part of a click and I'm... swimming around???

Haha I hope tomorrow won't be too bad...

Sunshine

Finally woke up in a better mood today. Today was good. I was kept occupied. So don't have time to think of stuff that will trigger unhappiness. Haha.

First was wake up. Then study my Japanese handbook. Then gym cos I paid fees but never go in almost a week liao. Haven't been going regularly and mum doesn't wanna waste her money so keep asking me to go. So I go lor. Then after that was lunch. Then finish studying jap! Yay! Then haircut. Haha.

Then table tennis... then dinner... then TV. Ninja warrior made me laugh like crazy hahahaha never laughed like that in such a long time. But then again that laughter isn't long-term la. Only temporary. Then after TV I went to do practice questions for my JLPT this Sunday.

Suddenly remembered how a sec 3 in my AQ team used to call me "sunshine". It was a nice name haha. Cos he said that I used to smile a lot... and lighten the mood and make others feel happy also. But now that smile seems to be gone. I don't feel like I'm the sunshine that I used to be.

I needa organise my thoughts soon. But circumstances just don't allow. I need peace and quiet... Haha how nice it would be if I could just sit at the beach... with no one around... just God and me. And I can just organise my thoughts... and just... replenish myself with the energy that has been drained from all these emotional struggles.

I'm really tired. I need a break. And yes I have lost faith and trust in humans. For me to gain back that trust... it would not be easy... because every time I gain a little trust, it just shatters and vanishes.

That's why it's always good to have a quiet world of my own. A world whereby I can just hide inside it whenever I feel emo.

My tolerance level is beginning to run low... and I'm really wondering how the talk between my spiritual mentor and my cell leader is going? Coming to think of it... I suppose it would be better if I get someone to take over me as pianist for the song. I can sing. At least well enough, I think. I don't want to sit in front of the piano every choir session and just feel so afraid that I will blunder up the next note or chord.

Maybe I should go for a run tomorrow. Haven't gone for a run in a long long long long time. I keep procrastinating cos I don't have waterproof earphones. But hey I don't need earphones to run, do I? Haha. Maybe when the world around me is quiet... I'll have time to settle my emotions, and get things right. I may not be able to get everything settled within me... but at least, from experience, when I'm in a really emo mood, running helps me by brightening up my day a little.

I just hope that the sunshine within me can be awakened... and will be awakened. I want to smile the genuine smile again.