Weekend

After 2 weeks of school... haha pretty much adapted to the school atmosphere from the holiday mood. Haha. This week has been good :) New experiences in Year 5, and though lectures and talks and briefings may be not-so-interesting, but haha God's grace is always sufficient!

Today had a long day. Morning was parade... and I was impromptu Year 2 IC... so yea was quite shocked but good that I handled my responsibilities relatively well (I hope). Haha. And then afternoon was my Primers' interview. Atmosphere was really intense because... I have to come up with answers to questions that I have never thought will be posed. And so I was nervous. Like how to come up with honest answers, but at the same time phrase my words as comprehensively as possible.

After the interview needed time to cool down. Haha. Guess I was really... nervous. But yea I thank God that I still handled things well and... my Primers term will be a really meaningful one!

Life

Haven't posted in quite a while already. Hmm actually it's more of... don't know what to post. And I needa sleep really soon. Tired. Half awake. So I'll post something short and sweet. Haha.

Pre-orientation was... okay. Lectures. Talks. Tried to stay awake and yea I managed to (for 95% of the time). Then today orientation started. Looks like it's gonna be fun.

Woo and guitar :) Can finally start practising now that I've a guitar at home. Thanks to Cindy for lending me her guitar :)

Haha next week CNY. Looking forward to the good food! :)

Prayer Items

Fourth day of school. My IB journey hasn't exactly started. And in my life... there are a lot of things I needa settle. I'm praying about them... and I thought that perhaps I'll just share my prayer items in this post... (not ranked, they're in random order.)

Firstly is of course to have clean hands and a pure heart.

Psalms 24: 3-4 says, “Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.”

And my prayer is that I can guard my heart well against all the temptations in IB. Temptations that can come between my relationship with God and draw me away from Him. Temptations of pride, arrogance, achievements, etc... because I know that if I get sucked into this whirlpool it'll be so hard to get out. So yea firstly I'm praying for a well-guarded heart.

Secondly is for my BB cohort... can sense that some things are falling apart. People getting arrogant. Falling into earthly temptations of pride and arrogance. When ego burns high... and then people will forget that they need to be humble before God and men... I remember someone said this analogy about a hardware shop... God is creating all the hardware stuff, and we are the hardware... and since we're the hardware, how can we say that we're greater than the Creator of the hardware? IB has only started for four days... if we're really a cohort that falls prey to temptation so easily, all the more we need to be united and be spiritually accountable for one another!

Thirdly is for my Primers Application Form. Still dunno what to fill in. First choice would be to run for CE vice-head... but second choice I still dunno. Deciding between Service & Relations (SR) and Adventure. Hmm. Have been praying about it... but I hope to submit my application form by tomorrow so I can have my interview next Saturday.

Fourthly would be about church. I'm thinking of changing church. Sick of swimming around finding clicks all the time and in the end... like last Sunday, ended up washing cups in the kitchen. Every time I'm reminded about it... I just feel quite sad... sad that I've been putting in so much effort to attend the cell gatherings and then... still can't blend in. This Saturday I'm following my friend to his cell group... I mean it's good to have a look at other churches I suppose. But then again I always remind myself of Jesus' prayer on the mount of olives before being arrested. For Luke 22: 42 says, "Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done." Of course I would want to change church because it's time I do something about it and stop procrastinating. But if God has plans for me in my own church then... I'll have to be obedience and submit to His will.

Fifthly would be for a spiritual buddy. Last year my spiritual mentor did offer to be my spiritual buddy and he said can try this out. But today I realised how important spiritual accountability is so important. Because if one is dwindling in faith and being drawn away from God, and there's another person to alert him and help him to return to God, the duration of this "lowness" in one's spiritual life can be shortened. This is how important spiritual buddies are... to keep one another in check and to pray for one another. And I don't feel this accountability with my spiritual mentor now. Perhaps it's because we have our own schedules... like he's busy with his stuff and it's quite hard to put 8 years of age gap aside... um so yea I'm praying for a spiritual buddy.

I guess I would have definitely missed out some stuff... but yea generally these are my prayer requests... I hope tomorrow I'll feel better at cell. I guess I'll bring one of my Year 5 texts to read if I'm tired of swimming. So yea. Feeling really confused because I've a lot of questions in my life. Right now... at this very moment, I'm not emo. I'm not disappointed. It's more of... thinking and pondering about stuff... and I want to look forward to each day of my life, waiting upon the Lord...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...

Be Strong!

Guess I really have to be strong. Hearing the people around me so musically talented... can guitar... sing and harmonize so much better than me... and music being probably one of the very few ways I'm talented in... just makes me feel so inferior.

I know I have to be strong. Focus on God and not on men. Focus on God and not on myself...

I need to get my perspective right. No way I'm falling into another whirlpool and struggle to get out of it. No way. Alex, you gotta get your mentality right.

Yes I will... Whatever that I have, I just offer myself to God and serve Him in every way I can!

New Insights

Oh it feels so sad. Feels like no one's reading my blog anymore. But haha doesn't matter to me. I'll still write posts all the same. :)

Anyway, today's PC talk... hahaha after the break my right eye got super itchy was rubbing it and that's why my right eye was so red after the talk. And my guitar progress not bad I guess. Can play G major common chord progressions liao. :) Just needa work on strumming patterns but oh well I need practise :P

But today's PC thought struck me and gave me a new insight into stuff. About relationships and friendships... and I realise a lot of our friendships are getting really superficial. And one of my used-to-be-close-friends (though we haven't known for very long) is sorta a fever kind of thing. We got quite close for a while then after that haha cold war. Still having cold war. But oh I can't be taking the initiative all the time right. If he doesn't wanna take the initiative then... even if this friendship continues, it's gonna be very tiring for me. Especially when soon my IB shiong-ness is all gonna start.

Yea and about sticky notes and push pins... it felt like... when I have made this new friend, he'll write my name on a sticky note and paste it on the wall (though most of the time I guess I was the one initiating conversations...) and then after a while, when the adhesiveness of the sticky note disappears, then the sticky note just falls to the ground and boom I'm forgotten. So I hope it's a reminder to all of us... if we don't want our friendships to crumple, make it a point to use a push pin to put up our sticky notes... so that we won't forget our friends yea.

Let not our friendships be one-sided and a temporary fever. But rather, let our friendships be long-lasting and mutual. :) And btw I like my new blog skin :)

IB, Here I Come!

Today was first day of my 2 years of IB. Went to school in the blue tie I was wearing for the past 4 years, then at around 9.30am, I was wearing my blue-and-yellow tie with the ACS crest. How awesome! Change tie already... but that signifies the beginning of 2 years of... hardcore studying? Haha.

I'm in OG5. And my OG all guys... but really cool to meet my primary school friend again! Haha he's in the same OG as me :) It's a small world after all yeah :P

Hmm regarding yesterday in church... won't wanna comment much. Just that the feeling came back again. Feeling of not being part of a group... so I just went to the kitchen and oooo so many cups might as well make myself useful so I went to wash all the cups then when I'm halfway done then my spiritual mentor came and helped me. But oo like people didn't really notice I'm not in the dining area anymore so... anyway it's over I don't wanna elaborate more. Oh and I screwed up big time during choir practise also. For the song that I'm playing piano la. Just super pissed at myself a song that I've been playing so long and still can't get it right.

Anyway back to where I was... about IB. Yea. Um my friend's teaching me guitar :) I guess I'm a rather slow learner. And I know I lack practise because I don't have a guitar at home. And I know I needa be more mature in a lot of ways. Not just in behaviour, but also how I handle situation, and my perspective of things.

I'm just gonna commit my IB life to God... and pray that I will guard my heart well. Because I know that results, achievements, pride, etc can all be distractions when pertaining to my focus on God. Hmm guess I'll need a lot of discipline... pray for me k? :)

Resolutions

Haha finally did my resolutions during Primers' retreat! Was a really really good retreat because it was a time of fellowship, praying for one another, and really seeking God and placing Him as the focus. And my first time leading worship... I guess it went okay and I must say my guitarist really helped me a lot and he did an awesome job! But we mustn't forget that without an awesome God, all these would not be possible!

As a worship leader... I guess there is still a lot for me to learn. And there are many ways in which I can improve... but I suppose I managed to get the message of my worship across... and it just feels so great to be able to do something for God!

Hmm regarding resolutions. I suppose I'll post them here... but I did pray and meditate before I listed out these resolutions! :) And what God told me was that my weaknesses can be made strong in Him! And after reflecting and thinking... I did come up with some stuff... I listed out my weaknesses, which are 1. relating to people, 2. working with people, 3. being easily affected by emotions.

And so I came up with these resolutions.

1. To forget/forgive my painful and unhappy experiences with people (disappointments with spiritual buddies and close friends)

2. To love people with selflessly like how Jesus did

3. To smile for Him, and always open up myself to Him to be filled with His joy and peace, because that's how I can be a good testimony for Him as well!

4. To be humble before God and men...

and along with other commandments that as a Christian I know I must work towards achieving.

And oh yesterday for cell, I was pianist and I did try something interesting... word painting. Haha. Like I listened closely to what worship leader was saying in between songs and during prayer and I tried playing my chords in a way that blends with the contents of the speech/prayer. Dunno how well I did in that aspect but I thought as the pianist, what I can do is to assist my worship leader in conveying the message that he wants to bring across so... yea.

And like I said before, I'm a very emotional person. So I thought maybe I should just clarify something. That all my previous posts are all based on my emotions at that point in time. And that's what I hope to avoid in the future. Not just on blog. But everywhere. That I will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me. Haha. Summarized it in one sentence :P

I guess that's about it for the day. I still have quite a bit of stuff that I want to say but it's late I want to sleep and I and don't want to wake up late tomorrow and end up having to chionggg through my wash up and stuff tomorrow morning before church so good night :)

Steering Wheel

I realised... when I let God take the steering wheel I feel so much better. Though generally speaking I'm still not in a good mood... but at least all these things are made more bearable.

And regarding my BB cohort. Well since I've made a decision to join Primers then I shouldn't think too much! Just relax and take things naturally. And leave everything to God, and let His will be done!

Today's BB Day was... okay? Haha personally it was quite funny because just before parade started when it was after I have fallen in, someone adjusted my cap for me. And I just felt... really weird. And the Primer beside me was giggling. And I was giggling as well because I knew I looked... really really weird. Haha.

Then after parade lepak until noon then went home. Actually I wanted someone to go watch Rapunzel with me because I missed the opportunity yesterday. Thanks to my piano teacher :( But anyway I didn't manage to find someone to watch Rapunzel... I heard that Rapunzel would be a good movie to lift and liven up dampened emotions, so I thought would be a good show for me. But there's really no point watching a movie alone right? I'll probably end up more emo than before I enter the cinema.

But anyway won't think too much. Leading worship for Primers' retreat tmr. First time leading worship... hope it goes well! And I pray that every single Primer attending the retreat will be blessed through the retreat! :) And I'm gonna let God take the steering wheel of my life... and let myself be filled with His peace and joy!

More Disappointments

I'm feeling more like... I'm always the outcast wherever I go. Always the one left behind. And always the one being ignored whenever I try to speak.

I MEAN BEING THE OUTCAST IS SO COOL RIGHT. ALWAYS THE ONE STANDING ALONE. NO NEED TO FEEL ACCOUNTABLE TO ANYONE.

And I have been having this question in my mind... Does my BB cohort appreciate me for who I am? Or do they only appreciate me because of... keyboard/piano? I'm beginning to feel that the second question suits the context more... perhaps one day, if I no longer have perfect pitch, and I suck at the keyboard, then I'll just be the most useless person in the cohort, and there's no reason for me to part of the cohort anymore? IDK.

Had a really horrible day. Supposed to go and watch Rapunzel with 2 of my BB friends. Last night was searching for afternoon shows because morning I was supposed to have piano at 11+ or 12pm. Then this morning I got a message that they're watching Rapunzel at 11+. So okay lor. Though I really hoped that a movie would cheer me up when I'm in a rather bad mood these few days, never mind lor. If you all plan to suit your own timings and I can't make it then so be it. These few days I'm feeling so disappointed already. Feeling so numb to all these disappointing events liao. Then they asked me if I would like to join them for lunch after my piano but I told them don't think can make it... which is partially true, but then again I just don't feel like going out anymore... rather stay at home myself.

Then I waited and waited for my piano teacher to come and then she didn't come so I sms her and she said she forgot she had class with me because she wrote down my timing wrongly in her notebook. Please la. I couldn't go watch movie because I wanted to have this piano class as my piano exams are coming soon. Then now... seriously everybody taking me for a joke is it?!

Honestly I don't feel accountable to anyone. Last 2 months... the people who offered their friendship but then pangseh me now... thank you for the false hope you've given me. I SOOOOO NEEDED IT. I realised that I'm always the one taking initiative to talk to you when I see you on MSN. I have stopped taking this initiative liao. I've been waiting for you to take the initiative. My phone is on. I'm waiting whenever I see you online on MSN. And all the while I've confided in you, and thinking that you're a friend that I can rely on...

Why do my closest friends all leave me whenever I confide in them... whenever I pour out my most personal problems and emotions and experiences to them...?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????!!!!

Perhaps the only form of encouragement is that... I got an A2 for Higher Chinese. I'm thankful for it... but what I need more is perhaps love that can warm my heart...

And since I'm being outcasted and ignored everywhere I go, I'll shut up. I'll only talk when I need to. If not I'll shut up. I won't talk. Most of the time when I talk and I'm ignored, I always tell myself, "Alex why can't you just shut your mouth? No one's listening to you!" And I never learn my lesson.

I guess it's time to learn this lesson.

New Blog Skin!

Finally found a working new blogskin for my blog! Yay!

Today was good. Today I was church pianist for service and... guess there weren't any major screw ups haha. Then after church I went for a swim. At night went to play table tennis. Feeling so much healthier now. Haha!

Tomorrow I'm gonna go back to school... to get my Higher Chinese O Level results. Really nervous. Hoping for A1 or A2... but I know chances are really really slim. But I'm just gonna trust God. That His will be done and not mine... and that whatever results I get, I trust that He only has plans to prosper me!

So pray for me ba! And pray that whatever results I get, I can face it with a heart of thanksgiving! And after results collection got BB day rehearsal also. So... gonna be a mentally and physically tiring day. Haha.

Cold

Tonight just feels... so cold. Externally cold. And internally cold too.

I guess tonight's just... my emo day. The no-one's-concerned-about-me feeling is just... back. Time and again I look at my phone... hoping for an sms asking me how I am doing or how I am feeling or are you feeling better from last week... Don't have lor. Zzz. The love that I experienced during church camp... is just suddenly... gone.

And I don't know why most of the time it's me who's taking the initiative to ask people how they are. I find it weird... cos these people I'm referring to are older than me. I mean it's... natural that the elder should take care of the younger and not the other way round right. Feeling really awkward about it because I'm not exactly an extrovert person.

I'm still waiting for this sms. A simple "Alex, I just want you to know that... I'm your friend and I'm always there for you when you need a listening ear... and that you're always in my prayers..." ....... haven't received such an sms in a really really really long time. Throughout the day when I walked to my phone and hoped that I would receive this sms... I'm just left with disappointed feelings.

Still quite satisfied that yesterday I patched things up with my 6-year-long friend. The entire event on 11 December turned out to just be a casual thing lor. My 6-year-long friend didn't take it seriously cos that entire thing was in a light and joking atmosphere. Seems like I was the only one to take it seriously and emo and brood over it. But now that it's over I shan't think too much about it. Perhaps thing about it and just laugh at how stupid I was to take things so seriously. Haha. But yea we've patched things up and hopefully we'll be as good as before :)

Still feeling cold. Still waiting for this sms. To be honest, I'm feeling really lonely. My honest feelings. Loneliness. Waiting for someone to just take the initiative to talk to me on MSN... Logged in for more than an hour already. And no one.

I'm still waiting.

Freedom

Today didn't feel very good being at home. Because the "study" atmosphere is always there.

Like my siblings are studying when they get home. I mean they have to. Because school reopen for them liao mah. And what happens when my mum sees me relac-ing? She asks me to go read up on my Year 5 books. Says that this year is going to be a tough year and I should be doing more meaningful stuff. But please la. I really really need a break leh. And when I tell her I'm so tired from so much activity? She replies by saying that I'm not the only one. So what? Other mums are more... understanding in this sense.

I really need my own space. And how nice it would be to have a camp where I have no restrictions. Like I can just wake up at 12pm. Then brunch. Then do whatever I like. Of course must have keyboard and table tennis table. And how nice it would be to just spend this 3-day-2-night camp with one or two really really close friends.

Oh I really need a break. A break from conformation. A break from being told what to do all the time. And a break from seeing my mum's pissed off face when I don't sleep by 12am. And being scolded for sleeping late. And for being lectured time and again for not studying during my holiday. Bah. I do study a bit. But holiday. Please. Thank you.

Events Coming Up

Today was... not bad. Woke up close to 11am. Which means that I'm getting back the sleep that I lack. Haha. Stomach's still quite bad... though I didn't have to use the toilet as many times as the past few days, which is something I should be thankful for :)

Hmm afternoon went to play table tennis. And good to feel that my reflexes are back... and my forehand power is back also. Today was really fun... and table tennis is always fun whenever I don't take the game too seriously. Of course must be serious to a certain limit but haha it just feels really good when I laugh so hard even though I lost the point. Haha.

Haha I'm sorta in charge of booking a resort for next week's Primers' retreat. It's from 13-14 Jan. So I guess I'll do with Aloha Loyang and since everything's online... saves a lot of trouble :) Really looking forward to the retreat... whereby as a cohort, we can have a time of spiritual rejuvenation, and to bond more closely with one another! :)

And BB day is coming soon. So there'll be a lot of BB day rehearsals. Actually not a lot. 3 rehearsals, then the actual thing (if I remember correctly). And guess I gotta get started on my Primers' Challenge reflection since it's due next Monday. Haha.

Happy New Year!

Really thank God for answering my prayers... and letting me feel the warmth throughout the church during my church camp!

Yep on the first day I got to my campsite I... fell sick. Fever. Guess I'm too tired from... travelling so much and all the activities throughout the previous month. And then second day was even worse. Fever was still on and off, and then diarrhoea and vomiting and headache... and then third day (today) I lost half my voice, and I'm coughing... haha...

But good thing my fever went down. If not would be really hard to keep this news from my parents. Don't want them to worry about me. 16-year-old liao. Haha. But what really touched me... was the care and concern from the people around me, asking me if I'm okay, whether I need a rest, and questions like that... and I'm really touched to see people helping one another, and writing notes of encouragement for one another...

I'm still praying about this question that I have in mind... but aside from all these stuff...

I really enjoyed the countdown to 2011! Haha stepping on balloons when 2011 arrived... something I've never done before! But before the countdown... was really good that we were all told to write down stuff that we wanna forget on a piece of paper. This stuff could be... people? unhappy events? Yea it's quite obvious what I wrote down haha... My relationships with my 2 spiritual buddies, times of disappointment when people just took me for granted, etc... and I just committed all these to the Lord... and I know that through Him, I can move on, and not let these memories come into my way! :)

And I pray that everyone will have a really blessed and fruitful 2011 ahead! Jiayou everyone!