More Disappointments

I'm feeling more like... I'm always the outcast wherever I go. Always the one left behind. And always the one being ignored whenever I try to speak.

I MEAN BEING THE OUTCAST IS SO COOL RIGHT. ALWAYS THE ONE STANDING ALONE. NO NEED TO FEEL ACCOUNTABLE TO ANYONE.

And I have been having this question in my mind... Does my BB cohort appreciate me for who I am? Or do they only appreciate me because of... keyboard/piano? I'm beginning to feel that the second question suits the context more... perhaps one day, if I no longer have perfect pitch, and I suck at the keyboard, then I'll just be the most useless person in the cohort, and there's no reason for me to part of the cohort anymore? IDK.

Had a really horrible day. Supposed to go and watch Rapunzel with 2 of my BB friends. Last night was searching for afternoon shows because morning I was supposed to have piano at 11+ or 12pm. Then this morning I got a message that they're watching Rapunzel at 11+. So okay lor. Though I really hoped that a movie would cheer me up when I'm in a rather bad mood these few days, never mind lor. If you all plan to suit your own timings and I can't make it then so be it. These few days I'm feeling so disappointed already. Feeling so numb to all these disappointing events liao. Then they asked me if I would like to join them for lunch after my piano but I told them don't think can make it... which is partially true, but then again I just don't feel like going out anymore... rather stay at home myself.

Then I waited and waited for my piano teacher to come and then she didn't come so I sms her and she said she forgot she had class with me because she wrote down my timing wrongly in her notebook. Please la. I couldn't go watch movie because I wanted to have this piano class as my piano exams are coming soon. Then now... seriously everybody taking me for a joke is it?!

Honestly I don't feel accountable to anyone. Last 2 months... the people who offered their friendship but then pangseh me now... thank you for the false hope you've given me. I SOOOOO NEEDED IT. I realised that I'm always the one taking initiative to talk to you when I see you on MSN. I have stopped taking this initiative liao. I've been waiting for you to take the initiative. My phone is on. I'm waiting whenever I see you online on MSN. And all the while I've confided in you, and thinking that you're a friend that I can rely on...

Why do my closest friends all leave me whenever I confide in them... whenever I pour out my most personal problems and emotions and experiences to them...?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????!!!!

Perhaps the only form of encouragement is that... I got an A2 for Higher Chinese. I'm thankful for it... but what I need more is perhaps love that can warm my heart...

And since I'm being outcasted and ignored everywhere I go, I'll shut up. I'll only talk when I need to. If not I'll shut up. I won't talk. Most of the time when I talk and I'm ignored, I always tell myself, "Alex why can't you just shut your mouth? No one's listening to you!" And I never learn my lesson.

I guess it's time to learn this lesson.