Transparent

Yay I'm so transparent!!!

Well, obviously that was pure sarcasm. I am a human, and I am a form of matter. I have mass and volume, and I am visible to the human eye. What happened today morning before assembly really spoiled by day.

My first "spiritual buddy", who has been treating me like someone transparent, conducted his prayer group without me. This morning, he didn't even ask me to join. I didn't even know that there was going to be a prayer group because for the past 2 days there wasn't. And I was really appalled. Somemore three days ago he still asked me whether he could have another go at being my spiritual buddy. I just have 2 words for him. Dream on.

Very very clearly, I am going to reject. And I think it is pointless to be emo for the rest of the day. So I finally cleared up my feelings a bit. I knew that I don't have to force myself to be emo because of that incident. I just have to be myself. And be ME. Which means, I don't have to always stay at my seat... When I feel like it, I will still socialise of course!

I think, apart from that horrible incident this morning, my day went very well. Most of the time, I was really happy. Laughing from the bottom of my heart. Because I knew that I just had to let go and let God guide me. Everything's in His hands, and who am I to demand that I control the way I live?

For the past two days, I have always had this feeling, that there is a very important question that I have to answer which pertains to how I clear up the mess that I am in. However, I feel like I'm trying to answer a blank question, and it's an open-ended question. It's just like in an exam, when I flip open my exam script and find that there is not a single question, but just blanks all over.

Well, what I have learnt is that if I try to control the way I want to me, all I see will just be questions, questions, and more questions. But if I let God guide, I will no longer see these questions, but see answers. Like how He let me see that I should reject the offer of my first "spiritual buddy".

Well, that's all for today I suppose. I know that He is guiding me. I just have to let go and let God.

Second Day

Today felt a little bit better. Though I only talked to very few people, but I have already learnt that if I continue to possess this narrow perspective, I will only be ruining myself and clouding myself from what God wants to tell me. So I've learnt to take things naturally. Though I still prefer to stay at my sit and read during free periods or in between lessons.

At this point in time, I know that I should reject the request of my first "spiritual buddy". I know that if we continue to be spiritual buddies again, it will just bring a lot of unhappiness in the end. So I think if he pops the question again I will just say "no", because these two days, it felt like... we were having a cold war kinda thing. I didn't want to take the initiative to talk to him, but he could happily talk to anyone in the class except me. I thought we had cleared things up but yes this is what I am seeing.

But I have never forgotten my promise to God - to let go and let God, and to rejoice in Him! That's what I have been telling myself, and I will never forget it. I told a few of my cell members that I'll give it a try to let go of all these things, and yes I made this promise to God. At least I'll try for the first week, but hopefully I'll have the faith to continue to let go and let Him guide me.

Well, that's all for today. Though today wasn't that great a day, but this post didn't sound too emo right? Haha...

First Day of School

I'm back from the first day of school! I expected insults to be hurled at me, or people taking me for a joke, but no... what had happened was worse, I suppose. It seemed like... everyone left me alone. I don't know why but I just felt super super super lonely.

It was at these lonely periods of time that I thought of God and my promise to Him - that I will let go of everything. And so I tried to cheer myself up, and I told myself that what's most important is that I have God, and that made me feel better.

And yes I find that I prefer to keep quiet and keep to myself most of the time. I don't mind being alone anymore. But sad to say, throughout today, I don't remember anyone saying a word of concern to me. No one asked me what was wrong. No one noticed the change in me. But it's okay. I'm sure God sees everything. And I'm sure that God will guide me through this valley...

These lyrics suddenly came into my mind...

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Yesterday, my first "spiritual buddy" asked me again whether we should start a prayer group again. And I thought it would be a very good chance to clarify things. And he finally asked me whether he would have another go at being my spiritual buddy again. So I told him to give me some time to think through...

But right now, right at this moment, I'm very clear of my answer, and I know that the loneliness and the lack of concern during my first day at school is a clear sign from God that this is not the person who should be my spiritual buddy. Most likely, I'm just gonna fail a third time again.

At least with God in me, this day has been made much more endurable and much less painful. Sigh... hoping for a better tomorrow...

Courage

Sigh... I just changed my blog address, which is a consequence of my irresponsibility. I thought that by posting my blog address on Facebook, it would be a test of who would be concerned enough about me to find out that I have a blog, but I didn't know that I invited unwanted readers as well.

Well, my second "spiritual buddy" found out about my blog because I posted my blog address on Facebook. I took down the link within less than a day I think, but he was really fast. Seems like I still don't get this personal space that I have been asking for...

Tomorrow, I will have to face the reality which I don't want to face. God gave me four weeks to tidy up my feelings, but I chose to hide from all these problems... Now it's time for the reality and I wasn't really ready for it. But after praying with some of my cell members today afternoon, I feel much better now.

I think I just need courage. Courage from God to continue walking down this path. It's a mere 10 hours before I have to face everything. And I know that help is just a prayer away.

To me, everything seems so big and so messy... but in God nothing is impossible. And I believe that if I let go and let God, He will take care of everything for me! Although I know I can't run away from everything, but I know that God will certainly give me the courage to face reality!

The Past and the Present

I'm still me. But I'm a different me. And the "me" that I am is different from the "me" that I was. Unfortunately.

I remember last time I couldn't stand being alone. Perhaps I was more outgoing and extroverted? But now I really wouldn't mind being alone. Of course I would prefer to have earphones and a book with me. But I really wouldn't mind being alone.

I used to like big groups and being the centre of attraction, but now, if I'm left in the corner, left alone, I wouldn't mind... because I'm used to it. Sometimes I actually prefer to be alone. I think this change is due to the things that are happening around me, the people who take me for granted, my two "spiritual buddies" who push me off the cliff... especially my second "spiritual buddy"... when I needed someone to pull me up, I was pushed off... by being labelled a monster... when I am tolerating the insults around me... all the suannings directed at me... and everything... Oh how sick and tired I am!

I am prepared for the upcoming term. I don't think it will be a very smooth term ahead. It seems so bumpy and full of ups and downs... In fact, more downs than ups. But all I ask right now, is that I continue to hold on to God, for it is He who is still willing to pull me up although everyone is pushing me off...

As time passes, I think I'm beginning to understand myself more. I find that I'm a person who appears strong on the outside, but actually, deep inside, I'm sooooooo weak... so fragile... so fragile that even a comment can break me down...

And like I said, I am a person who needs encouragement... On Thursday, during my piano lesson, I was practising my Hanon so hard... hoping that I would be able to pass all my three exercises... but I failed the most simple one and had to redo. I was so disappointed and the word "failure" immediately came into my mind. I'm so uber fail lor... anything also cannot do well... But after reading a section of the book titled "How to Ruin Your Life by 40", I'm glad that I'm a failure, for the people who are used by God are failures at a point in their life.

Back to the changes in me. In the past, when I'm alone with another person and there is silence, of course I would be trying very hard to talk and break the silence. But now, if there's silence, I don't think I will be trying very hard to break it. Silence is good. Gives me time to reflect, to think, to ponder, to emo...

I think it all comes down to the comfort level. Right now, I think when I am amongst most groups of people, I won't be very comfortable. I think the only group of people whom I am comfortable with right now are the people from my cell group. This upcoming term, I really wouldn't mind just sitting at my corner of the class, and just be trapped in my own world... At this moment, I think I would only let God into this own world of mine and... maybe a few more closer people. But not my friends. Well, I don't even know who my friends are...

I don't give my trust easily right now. Sometimes, when I'm having an sms-conversation with a person and thinking to myself, maybe he's someone I can trust... I would end up being reminded of how trustworthy my first and second prayer buddies appeared... and ended up hurting myself because I was so gullible... so stupid...

Yes I'm just retarded and emo. That's just me. If I'm not emo-ing, I'm most likely crapping up lame jokes and when no one appreciates them, I'll revert back to my other mode. That's the "me" right now.

I don't know how many people will put their arms around my shoulder and show their concern for me in the upcoming term. Perhaps no one. Perhaps what I receive are insults instead. Don't worry. My shell is there. I can always hide inside and emo... and emo... and emo...

Sigh... in 36 hours I would be waking up, preparing to go to school... The reason why I choose to keep this blog really really private is because... I know there'll be people mocking me and laughing at me when they read these posts...

But that's me. Sigh... Can't wait for year-end holidays, when I have 3 months of quietness, 3 months of break...

Just Some Thoughts

Sigh... I'm hoping that I can see a comment posted on my blog...

School is going to reopen, and it means that I can't hide from the people who have been hurting me... unlike the holidays when I can stay at home and meet the people I want to meet.

School is going to reopen, and it means that I will have to learn to shield myself from the scornful remarks and insults from the people around me...

School is going to reopen, and it means that I will have to again learn how to deal with unhappy memories that are going to surface when they are triggered by certain events that are going to happen...

School is going to reopen, and I hope for another holiday soon. A REAL holiday. Where I can just relax. When there is peace and quietness around me so that I can hear His voice...

Sigh... I don't know why, but it just seems as if this upcoming term is not going to be an easy term ahead...

It's Getting Clearer to Me...

Today, everything became clearer to me. All my previous doubts were mostly answered.

I know what to expect from my future spiritual buddy. The purpose of spiritual buddies is so that both can encourage each other to grow towards God and to become more Christlike. If a spiritual buddy is unable to do that, then he's not fulfilling his purpose of being a spiritual buddy I guess.

A spiritual buddy is a commitment. Which means, if person A is the spiritual buddy of person B, person A should be continuously encouraging person B to have a close relationship with God and never neglect person B (like what my first spiritual buddy did. Disappointing huh.).

I shared with my cell group on Friday about Mark 10: 45, when Jesus came to Earth not to be served, but to serve. And this reminded me of Jesus' sacrificial love. Especially towards Judah. When Jesus knew that He was going to be betrayed by Judah, He still loved him, just like how He loved the other eleven disciples.

I know I can still maintain friendly relationships with my previous two spiritual buddies, but to love them like how Jesus loved Judah, I know it's difficult to bring myself to do so.

I feel so cold right now. Hoping that I would receive a message on my phone that reads, "Cheer up Alex!" Or even a smiley. Encouragement. I know who has been encouraging me and sending me messages.

All I hope is that I will never walk through this phase of life alone. A friend in need is a friend indeed. I guess I'm a person who takes friendship rather seriously, that's why I'm so upset by my past two experiences. I guess as I move on, I will begin to share more... through description of behaviour, but I will not release their names. That's for me to know and for you to find out. Ha.

Life is just like a roller coaster. There are ups and downs... I suppose I'm going down the roller coaster at a rather fast rate, and trying very hard to not continue to fall further. I'm hoping for the day, the moment, when my roller coaster will start to rise, rise to its peak... and even though I might fall, there's someone falling with me. Haiz.

From the Bottom of my Heart

Every few hours, I click the bookmark link to my blog, hoping that I would see someone posting a comment, hoping that there is someone who discovers my presence...

Like I said, I'm a person who really needs encouragement, and it is actually quite obvious that I do. Like in a table tennis match yesterday (relax we were just playing for fun one), without my team members around, I felt that I could throw away points very easily and I didn't feel the push to persevere and fight back. But with my members around, the determination came back. And that's me. If you don't wanna accept me for who I am, too bad. That's just me. Muahahaha.

I really hope that this spiritual buddy that God prepares for me will appear soon. Not that I'm unwilling to wait for God, but it's just from the bottom of my heart that I hope this person will appear soon. When I say hope, it means that I'm yearning for something that did not exist, in other words, if I am to accept any of my previous two "spiritual buddies" as my spiritual buddy again, I don't think I can bring myself to do that.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" I hope I am not the man who falls down but has no one to help me up, but sometimes, reflecting on the past, I think I am. My two "spiritual buddies" were supposed to help me up, and yes they did, sometimes, but after helping me up for a while, instead of me falling down, they push me down, they trip me, they step on me, and leave me without anyone to help me up!!!

I realise that the best way for me to stop imagining things is to keep myself as occupied as possible. When I have really really really nothing to do, turn on com, go to itTV and watch a few interesting matches (although I have watched them many times). However, I am still feeling very lost. I really don't know what to do sometimes. I know I cannot decide things for myself, but sometimes God wants me to wait. Wait for Him. Wait for His reply. And I am still waiting for this new person. He could be someone in my class, in my school, in my UYO, in my cell group... I really don't know. Only God knows.

Sigh. Shall end my post here today. Gotta prepare for tomorrow's P&W liao.

Waiting

I am so confused now... What I'm feeling right now is many different feelings bottling up within me, so much so that I don't know exactly how I should be feeling... Maybe confused is the right word for me now. Lol.

Finally there are people who realise I'm not smiling. I mean, I still do smile, maybe just not as often. Last time, when my smiles were genuine, I could continue laughing for long periods of time, but now, most of the time, my smiles are just facades. Because I'm tired of everything. I just want to hide in my little shell, have my own peace and quiet.

I'm very sure of how to handle things right now. At least, for the moment... If I have another prayer buddy (hopefully), maybe I should not walk so close with him. Maybe I should not tear down my superficial level. Because when I did that for the past two times, all I got was eventual disappointment. Disappointment that sent me crashing into my shell. My second prayer buddy even destroyed my shell, so much so that I just felt a sense of emptiness and loneliness. All I did was to call out to God, "God, why is this happening to me?"

To me, right now, the closest group of friends I have are my cell mates. I don't really trust the people around me that much anymore. I realised that I have become very wary of everybody around me - whether they are trying to hurt me. A smile is just a facial expression. Deep down inside, I don't think anyone knows exactly how I'm feeling...

It's quite surprising to see how much closer I've grown towards my cell members... I shared with most of them my problems, and yes they gave me feedback. I feel more confident of how I should go about doing things now. But I'm still hoping that I will not feel lonely in school. I'm thinking to myself now, if I decided to sit alone in the SAC, wonder if there will be people approaching me, sitting beside me, caring for me... and I'm even wondering if anyone found my blog!

I know there are people who care for me, especially my cell members, but I am still hoping for this spiritual buddy which God has prepared for me. I just finished reading the book titled "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat". I think the most important lesson I've gained from this book is to learn how to wait upon the Lord. For my last two prayer buddies, I have never prayed before accepting them as my prayer buddy. Right now, I'm just going to wait for this person (if there is one).

I also realise that I have become more reflective. I keep on reflecting on things that have happened, and sometimes go beyond that. But sadly, most of my thoughts tend towards the negative side. I want to be an optimistic person, but I do know that if this goes on, I will just end up being more pessimistic day after day...

Oh well... what I can do now is just to leave the rest to God ba...

Emonity

Yay! Feng Tianwei won Kim Kyung Ah 3-0! I'm so happy for her... :)

Anyway, I found out that I only exist in two states most of the time. I'm either emo or retarded. Retarded because of my lameness and all my jokes that no one will laugh at most of the time... Oh well.

It seems like no one has been reading my blog... but I know God is. He's reading my post when I type it, reading my post when I publish it... But sadly most of my posts are about emo stuff :(

I realise that I'm a person who really needs encouragement. If no one encourages me, I'll probably fall apart. But only people from my cell group know what happened to me and I believe are willing to walk me through... But I still need a spiritual buddy. Someone whom I can trust, and someone who will never ditch me just because I'm not perfect. Being someone's spiritual buddy is a commitment and a responsibility what...

I have been using the word emonity for a long time... because it sounds nice. At least to me. I don't care if it sounds unpleasant to anyone. I think right now, no one actually knows how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing right now... It just seems as if there's always this bitter side of life that will never leave me...

Today I read in a book that how you think shapes your personality. A good tree will never bear bad fruits, and a bad tree will never grow good fruits. I know that if I keep on focusing on all these unhappy memories, my life will never be able to brighten up and I will never really be laughing. Like laugh from the bottom of my heart. Or in other words, laugh till I cry. I think right now, if anyone asks me to really laugh, I'll cry while laughing. Not because of laughter, but because laughing is just a facade...

Sigh I'm trying my best to not let these thoughts shape me... That's why I'm trying to keep myself occupied. With work. With using com. With sports. But when I'm all alone... all these memories flood my mind...

I think I'm getting too emo. I'll stop for today. But I believe that God will walk me out of this. Sooner or later.

I can move on with the Power of Christ!

Today I quarreled with my ex-prayer buddy. I had two ex-prayer buddies and I quarreled with my second. Sigh. What a failure I am in life. I fail in so many things. I think my ex-prayer buddy was trying to hint that I had unreasonable expectations about my prayer buddies. How could he have said that!!! All I needed was someone to be there for me, someone whom I can trust, someone who is willing to commit and give me the personal space when I need it. Is that very unreasonable???

Well, after that quarrel, I felt super buay-song leh. I think I'm gonna start using a little bit of Singlish in my blog. Feels more informal and natural mah. First I was labelled as a monster by him, and now this... Sigh... I fail in so many things!

This is my failure list:

Failed BB Founders' test

Fail in breaking my streak of getting 60+ for Physics

Fail in getting along with people

Fail in socialising. I'm always the clown. The joke. I'm always laughing with the people who laugh at me. How ironic.

Fail in my prayer buddy thingy. Failed twice.

Fail at being nice to people. If not why would I be labelled a monster huh?

Fail at bowling.

Fail at basketball.

Self-pwn most of the time.

Fail at so many other things...

Last time, I used to be a person who could handle insults very well. No matter how the people around me made fun of me, I can control my temper and laugh with them. At most I'll just give the trying-not-to-laugh look and end up bursting with laughter. But now I find myself being less able to do that. I will just retreat into my shell and emo. and emo. and emo. sometimes for the rest of the day. People ask me why I just say nothing wrong with me just feeling quiet. Zzz why have I changed so much?

Last year, I took an MBTI test. Personality was ENFJ. Means I'm the more extrovert kind of person. But less than 2 months ago, my personality became INFJ. Means I've become more introvert. Well, actually I don't think I am fully introvert. It's just that I can chose whether to be introvert. That will depend on the group of people I'm hanging around with. With my cell members I think I'm more extrovert, but other times, I'd rather just hide in my shell and emo. and emo. and emo. sometimes cry. It's okay for guys to cry hor... being a guy doesn't mean you hafta bottle up your emotions...

Then during QT today I read about David. Yay! Finished reading 1 Samuel. About how David, despite his downfalls, continue to rely on the strength of God to move on. Perhaps this is a reminder for me to draw strength from Him and move on ba...

I can move on with the Power of Christ! I know I can! Though there will be times when I break down and cry... but I will not slide. I think it is during these times of downfall that I grew closer to Him and learn that He is my refuge...

The Emo Me

For those who know me, you would have known that during the last 5 months, I have really been through a lot, and without God, I don't think I would have been able to find self-confidence and move on...

I wouldn't say I have a lot of self-confidence right now, and I surely know that I definitely do not have a positive self-esteem. I think most people prefer the introvert me, and by being introvert, I think that is a way of caring for myself and protecting myself. At least I have this little shell of mine to fall back on when I feel attacked.

For those reading my blog: if you wanna post comments, please use the comment link. I don't want to post a chatbox and invite trouble for myself. At least I only want my personal friends to be reading my blog.

Haiz... Even if no one reads this blog, at least it is a medium for me to vent out everything that I wanna say...