Today was quite an okay day for me... Sunday special Christmas service, then lunch with cell mates, then home.
Honestly I'm feeling really shattered inside. I feel like... I'm losing my grip on my friends. People. Friendship. Relationships.
And right now I don't hope for much. I may be taking the initiative to start a conversation, but I don't hope for any reply. I may send out an sms of concern for the other person, but I don't hope for any reply. Why? Because the greater my hope is, the greater my disappointment.
What I mean in this sense is... hoping in people. My hope for God will never diminish no matter how unpromising situations are.
But I'm really thankful for the sharing with my spiritual mentor today... though it was just a short sharing while walking to buy food and walking back from buying food.
My entire afternoon was just... feeling like crap when I got home. Even when I went downstairs to play table tennis. I was just super distracted and couldn't focus on the game. Though I won most of the sets but still... I could feel that I was not myself. It was just... my reflexes that saved me those points but I didn't play with strategy cos I was too distracted. I was merely waiting for my opponent to make mistakes.
Perhaps God just wants to shatter me... so that He can mould me into someone new? But this process is really really painful... and it even drives me to breaking down. Like last night. I couldn't take it anymore. So it was another night when I cried myself to sleep.
I'm trying so hard to hold on to the close friendships that I have. And I feel most of them slipping away. Why? Why? Why! Why do people not reciprocate the efforts that I put in?! Sometimes I sms people... hoping for a reply... and when there's no reply... I sms again... and there's no reply... and now I learnt my lesson.
To just give up. Completely give up. Give up hope. When there's no hope there'll be no disappointment. Cos when there's no hope things just can't get any worse.
And sometimes people just give me hope... only to shatter it again... help me up, only to push me down much further... and now I have to stand up. I have to find a way to stand up. To stand up before school reopens. And I want to stand up. But I do not dare hope that someone will be there to help me up again. Because I don't want more disappointments.
Thank you to all those who have tried to help me up. Although some of you have pushed me down again... but thanks for the small duration of hope you all have given me.
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